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At least it's been done right
11 September 2008

This is Officer Lee Groinman,

That’s right, Washington’s most disgusted Cop...

You see. I had to score some vacation time to make the BYU game, no big deal I did a vacation bid on this week back in January, my days off have changed, but it’s no big deall, it’s September. I still had to put in the ‘official’ slip.

Sarge calls. “Groinman, this vacation of yours is hereby denied as your RDO’s do not match and any change to vacation schedules must be in writing and in my office 10 days prior to said vacation per policy #106789-2.”

“Have a nice day :-) “ 

Now this Sarge is a new Sarge, he still takes the manual to the john with him. I call the Union rep, another fine piece of work. “Now Lee, simmer down, this is why the Union has provided you with sick days, and don’t forget to vote!”

Well my truck, Big Red still needed some work to be done for the trip to Husky Stadium, if in fact I did just happen to fall sick...Damn truck has got hisself an oil leak and is past due for an oil change anyway. Nuthin’ I can’t do for myself and save a few bucks. Darn thing takes about 12 gallons of oil and the filter itself is about the size of a commercial grade cathouse fire extinguisher and costs about the same. To add to the fun, this extinguisher, err filter is placed right behind the double-dueled air-horns, making for some high tech discomtinkerations. Minute Lube be darned.

As it turns out, this ‘oil leak’ of mine was not from the hose I suspected, which I’ve now got snaked all over the garage floor and somehow into the air-horns, no it was the sending unit. No big fuss, just some more screwin’ around oughta fix her up in no time. So I’m gettin’ things all patched back up. I’ve a got half a barrel of used oil in the tub on the floor, I’m just about ready to connect the wires to the air-horns when my neighbor Ernie waddles over and into the garage, this can’t be good...

“Hey Lee, whatcha’ up to? I been hearing all the cussin’ and whatnot, figured I’d better come over and lend a hand.”

“Just changin’ the oil Ernie.”

“You should never change oil in your good pants Lee, didn’t your momma teach ya’ nuthin’?”

“These aren’t new pants Ernie, can’t you see the rip in the knees and the whole in the butt?” “Yeah but with a couple of patches, them’s Sunday Meetin’ pants Lee...”

“Never mind Ernie, I’ve about got it, why don’t you turn on the ignition and we’ll check her out.” “Okay Lee, hold on.”

And with that Ernie let her fly. A shot of oil from somewhere flew up my nose, the double dueled air horns sang a duet, somewhat surprised I caught my foot on something ornery then landed on my ass in the bucket of used oil...

“It’s a good thang them wasn’t your Sunday Pants Lee!”

“Well Ernie, when you do the job yourself, at least you know it’s been done right...”

Well now, it’s game day byu. I take Big Red down to Dan’s Discount Diesel, even with my Dan’s Discount card, 100 bucks won’t fill Big Red, and he wasn’t even empty, now that’s disgusting. I was going to fill the tank but got chicken at the 100 dollar mark, kinda’ like going for a two point conversion from the 18 yard line, you’re better off just to kick the P.A.T. or put the cap back on the tank.

Well over the years I’ve learned to pay no attention to omens and superstitions and the like. On this trip for the byu game I forgot the lighter fluid, now that’s not an omen, that’s just a tradition, time honored at that. I’ll just bum some from some sucker in the E-1 parkin’ lot and be done with it, just like always...

Finally after all this foolin’ around I find myself in Big Red and we’re actually on the on ramp to the freeway. Next stop, Husky Stadium, or maybe a road side Honey Bucket...This little foreign job flies by me, a sky blue BMW had to be doing a good 85 mph.

And if this don’t beat all, a couple of senior citizens, Grampa at the wheel, this rig has byu propaganda on it from head to tail. Now this can’t be good, but it’s no omen or nuthin’. I’m in fact thinkin’ hot-damn, we got us a pace car!

Well try as we might, Big Red never did catch that little foreign rig, it was no fault of his own, why he hadn’t even had time to warm-up yet, let alone have a chance to clear his throat.

I’ve really been looking forward to this game, it’s not redemption or vindication, it is to get a win, but mostly this game represents a chance to get that rotten-duck taste out of your mouth. Is there anything more fowl than rotten-duck?

Yes, as a matter of fact there is.

Rotten Luck.

Jake Locker’s ‘excessive celebration’ has been disgust ad nausea, and rightfully so. The same action was probably done 48 times across the country that same day and not called. While we may have still lost the game in OT, OT is where the game belonged, not in the pocket of some over-zealous, overtime fearin’ Pac 10 official. This official has no place in the game of college football. David Parry, the national coordinator for college football said it best. “All calls are judgment calls and I think it’s safe to say on emotional moments officials might become a little more lenient.” Amen brother. That zebra clearly has no judgment and if all calls are ‘judgment’ calls, well there’s just no room for him. It is time the Pac 10 takes a look at what is going on and gets off it’s collective arse and does something. Tom Hansen’s retirement can come none too soon. Did anybody see the Packers and Vikings Monday night? That was a quarterback celebration, certainly not for college kids...

Speakin’ of nausea, I usually have an incredibly strong gag-reflex, as in it takes quite a bit to make me blow chips. But as I left Husky Stadium after that debacle, I could have hurled at will. I could have probably made “Ripley’s Believe It Or Not.” But what can you say? I wish the UW would make some noise, why do we just take it? Didn’t the probation years teach us anything? I did see that Tyrone did in fact write a letter. Keep your cards and protests coming in folks...

But how I do digress, oh yeah, now let me tell ya’ this. I got turned down for the stadium announcers gig on account of my demo-tape was too ‘graphic’. Too graphic? Or not politically correct? Too emotional perhaps?

We now have an announcer who says “Hello fans!!” Hello fans? WE ARE DAWGS!! Is this some kind of tie-in with the

PINK PARKIN’ PASSES!!

That’s right, Husky Stadium uses pink parkin’ passes...You may not have noticed or cared, but this is Groinman’s highly trained observation skills at work. Is there some kinda’ message here?

“Hello fans,” pink parkin’ passes, another way to lose, hundred dollar fuel, It makes you wonder, at what price the pain?

Oklahoma? Oklahoma you ask? Will I make the trip for the Oklahoma game? Will the bullet be bitten?

You bet your butt. I’M A DAWG!!

 I’ve got a good feelin’ about this game. A nasty good feeling...

Just might be some kind of omen or somethin’.

And what if we won, what then? These Dawgs will BITE!

GO YOU DAWGS!!

P.S. I did get some redemption after the byu mess. I’m stuck on Mountlake Blvd. Seattle’s finest have traffic stopped due to the eventual departure of the byu team buses and semi truck. I’m getting a little heated with one of the officers as we’ve been waiting 15 minutes already. Talk about adding insult to injury...

 “Sir, have you been drinking this afternoon?” “No! But I’m about to START!”

Well we finally get moving. Along about North Bend I see a little surprise. The sky blue BMW sedan with the senior byu fans were along side the byu semi-truck! The blue haired lady has waving the “We’re #1” sign at the driver of the truck. The driver of the semi had his hand out with window showing her the “thumbs up” sign. I’m in Big Red and I’ve got them both in my sights. What to do? Should I blow by with a blast of my air-horns and give them the real number one sign?

I’ve got my rear slider windows open. I pull around in front of these two fans and being the classy guy I am, I just gave them the thumbs down sign with a blast of my air-horns.

As I blasted my horns, great plumes of blue smoke blew out my tail pipes and onto their windshields.

Well, when you do the job yourself, at least you know it’s been done right....


Lee Groinman can be reached at malamute@4malamute.com

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