4malamute.com

Articles
    Archives
    Season 2000
    Season 2001
    Season 2002
    Season 2003
    Season 2004
    Season 2005
    Season 2006
    Season 2007
    Season 2008
    History Articles
    Spoofs
    Football 101
Dawg Food
    Schedule
    Links Page
    Statistics
Site Development
    About This Site
   
Cast
     Contact Us


                      

Some naggin' little butt biters, 24 July 2008

This is Officer Lee Groinman.

Yeah, the thoroughly irritated and disgusted one...

Here I sit in my basement bunker, Wednesday, high noon, it’s nearing the end of my weekend, I’m contemplatin’ life and all whatnot, dang if it’s not a Southern- Blues type of day, yeah, it’s hotter than Georgia asphalt, and it’s too hot to spit.  I’ve got the Allman Brother’s on the BOSE music box...

You know, it’s not the big downers in life that gets me blue, it’s the constant little naggin’ butt-biters that go on to infinity. Here it is the middle of July and I’m still waiting on that gov-ment economic-stipulus check, as I spill my coffee. Oh sure they sent me one all right, they deducted every last dime I owed and sent me the balance. After I had already paid what I had owed. Not to fear, I spent a day and a half (my weekend) on the phone trying to get this ramifucated and was assured that I’d get a refund check no later than the end of July.

July of 2009...

The way Groinman here has got it figured, that epidemic-stipulus program just cost me $72.63. Damn there goes that coffee! Too hot for coffee anyway. Gloria! Fetch me another one of them brews down here!!

Like that’ll work...

“Lord have Mercy on Me...”

But ya’ know, it can always get worse. But I have had a few days off this year, yeah to attend two funerals, but hey at least I wasn’t the guy in the box...One of these funerals was for my ol’ Grand Dad Ole. He passed on at 104 years of age. I suppose he was more than ready. I always meant to write something about him, but the Old Norwegian had never been a sports fan, he was a worker, farmer, and a family man and besides that, he wouldn’t know the difference between a football and a golf club...

But hey, I remember once my dad got his self a new sand-wedge. Grampy came over, took one look at my dad taking practice swings out in the back and said;

 “Yah’ sure, dat vould verk for gopher and da’ snake...

“Ya’ sure ya’ betcha’!”

But we still gonna miss ya’ Grampy...

The other funeral I made was a bit more of a shock. My old sidekick Deputy Mikey, his dad, Nacho passed on after complications of surgery.

The funeral was held back in April, you got it, right during the Spring Game. One of life’s naggin’ little-butt biters...

I showed up for this funeral nearly a bit late. I was driving my Dodge Diesel behind these two ol’ blue haired ladies, couldn’t get around them to save my life. I had been putting in a sprinkler system and was still towing this little Bob-Cat like gig with a scoop bucket on it. I don’t know why I was still towing this little monster, but I do believe it made some sense at the time...As fate would have it; these two ol’ babes pull into the church parking lot just ahead of me. Parking was tight, and these two gals were in complete puzzlement as in where to go. I nearly gave them some advice. So I spun around them and was forced to go up and around the hearse. I find a space to park my rig and trailer, but it was too late, I had been seen. Looking back on it now, it does seem a bit taste-free of me to show up to a funeral towing a scoop shovel, but as I’ve said, it did seem to make sense at the time...

Brother Phil, younger brother of Deputy Mikey was standing next to the hearse where his dad would soon be takin’ his last ride, perhaps he was getting his thoughts together, as he was to give the eulogy, perhaps he was just getting some air to clear his head. I hadn’t seen him in, had it been 10 years? Yup it was the night of the ’98 ASU game. We had traveled down to Phoenix for the game and were staying with Phil and his new wife Beth. This was back when the Dawgs hit on a 4th and 17 for a 67 yard TD pass from Brock Huard to Reggie with less than a minute left!l Us Dawgs went Dawg-nuts that night in Tempe Stadium and all the surroundin’ communities...Now I remember, that was the night we fell into this greasy little slime-ball of a dive called the “Cuddies”. There was this goofy basturd in stripped pants and a straw hat, he was playin’ some of the best Stevie Ray Vaughn I’ve ever heard, outside of Stevie Ray himself. This nut case was obviously alcohol-enhanced. He was damn good but he’d changed all of Stevie Ray’s lyrics into limericks and vulgarities. Ten years ago, this nut-ball had me on the floor, Ten years ago I wasn’t even offended. Today I’d probably be offended, due to my new found maturity and whatnot.

By Dawg. Ten years, but what a night that was. I don’t believe Beth has forgiven us yet...

Phil sees me walking up to the hearse on the way to the church.

“Hey Phil, good to see you, ya’ know under the circumstances.”

“Right Groinman, nice of you to offer, but I think we’ve already dug the hole...”

RIP Nacho...

So I missed the Spring Game.

And if this don’t beat all, a few weeks later I get a notice from Ol’ retired Desk Sarge Deano. His dad, Judge Hank “The Man in Black” had just passed on. Ya’ see, it can always get worse.

RIP Hank.

So where was I? Oh yeah things that bite. So I get Tuesdays and Wednesdays off, I work rotatin’ shifts, sleep patterns are unknown, is it dark or light? But what gives? Why are my neighbors, both of them always doing something on my property line on my days off! DOESN’T ANYBODY WORK ANYMORE!!

Yesterday, my neighbor was clearing out some brush along the property line, seems he cleared out a little more than just brush. Today I walk out the back door, coffee in hand and nearly step on a four-foot Bull Snake that was sunnin’ hisself on my mat! He was a hissin’ all right, and that would be the first cup of coffee spilt today, but it would not be the last, no sir...

Things that bite...

Time for a ride. I hop on the torque-monster, the big red two-wheeler. The rear tire is worn. I’ve been researching motorcycle tires for weeks. Michelin, Bridgestone, Pirelli, Avon etc... I roll into the Bike Shop. And decide on the Dunlop. Why the Dunlop you ask? It was the only one in stock that would fit my bike, that’s why smart guy. Think I’m stupid?

Turns out my brake pads were shot too, another thirty-five bucks...

So I’m comin’ home up that lonely and deserted little country road with the nice curves. Time to test that new tire, what the hell, she’s broke in by now. I grab a bit of throttle...

85 mph in a 35! No way, man! I got off for 50 in a 35. 154 bucks...Young County Sheriff’s hiding in orchards, now if that don’t beat all. Back in the day, blue was blue. Once I get home I turn on the computer. Amazon.com had the same Dunlop tire for 50 bucks less...

A couple more of life’s little naggin’ butt-biters...

Think I might go kill me a snake....

Now where’s Grampy and that sand-wedge...

Greg Allman of the Allman Brother’s is on the stereo, singin’ “Tied To The Whippin’ Post”

 “Sometimes I Feel.... Sometimes I FEEL...

 Like I’ve been TIED to the whippin’ post...”

So after I cools down a bit I log on to Dawgman for my daily Tyrone update. I can’t remember which board it was but Kim Grinolds had a post titled “Time to move on.” It could have been on the “Hardcore Tyrone” board or maybe the “Free Tyrone” board, or was it the “Tyrone Free” board? It just escapes me right now, but my how those fellers loves to banter about their Tyrone, it truly is one of life’s wonderments...

But I do think it is time for me to now move on. Move on to a place with no neighbors. No Sheriffs in orchards, a place with no snakes on your doorstep, a place like that, yeah that’ll work...

Speakin’ of the County Jail, I’ve got two inmates who are complete pains in your pockets. I feel for their parent’s pain, their ex-teachers’ pain. Their ex-coach’s pain. But now they are my pain. Thanks everybody...

Oh those naggin’ little butt-biters...

Speakin’ of pain. How about Autzen on August 30th? I echo Coach Baird’s observations. Groinman sees a massive UW O-line pounding the snot out of the ducks, with guys like Homer getting the tough yards. The speed we have at the skill positions nearly gives me the shakes. The Polk’s, yes both of them will add dimensions not seen around here for a while. The offense will continue to develop, develop? Hell with Jake this year, that offense is gonna explode!!

Don’t forget Yakaboski. That kid will be makin’ some noise this year. THAT’S RIGHT!!

Defense, can Donatell get ‘er done? Me thinks so. I’m counting on Kirton finally “findin’” his self on the defensive line. We need some contribution from the incoming frosh on the D-line. Can that happen? In a normal year with normal defensive line frosh recruits? No.

But then again, this is not a normal year with normal defensive line frosh recruits. I’m talkin’ Ta’amu and Noble, these kids are unnormal, as in not normal...The defensive line, the coaches experiment with bringin’ over a speedy 260 pound defensive end named De’shon Matthews to get a few reps at tackle, and now the whole unit has been tagged as small...Good grief almighty...

And what about Noble and this California high school exit test? Holey Crapes! What else are these Californicater’s gonna come up with next?

Naggin’ little butt-biters, that’s what they is...

But ya’ know, now let me tell ya’ this. If you’re a DAWG FAN, and you can’t get excited about this team and this season, then man, there is somethin’ very, very wrong...I’m not sure I can help you. Ya’ need to dig down deep and help yourself dude. Nobody can or will do it for ya’.

Hey now, will you looky here, the Dawgs just got their first commit, Keith Price the QB out of California. I can’t remember, Price must be the first out of state kid to be the first verbal in any year, how can that be? Oh wait...

I’m startin’ to feel a bit better already.

DO YOU HEAR ME!

THAT’S RIGHT!!

GO DAWGS!!

Think I’ll get ready to “move on”. On down to Eugene. Just might hook up the scoop-shovel. Yeah, start me up a new program.

 The “DIG-A- HOLE- FOR -A- DUCK”.  Campaign.

Comin’ soon for a duck near you....

Yup, I’ll dig up a big ol’ barbeque pit full of 22 or 11 ducks wrapped up in tin-foil and smothered up in grease sauce!!

With one big ol’ duck roastin’ on the top by the name of Bellotti!!

Roasted Duck man, taste-free and slimy as ever baby!!

Just the perfect dish for the French-laundry / finger-food with dip crowd....

I’ll be servin’ out samples, along with my own specially brewed DAWG DIP...

Ya’ sure, ya’ betcha’ 

When it’s all said and done, it really is the thought that truly matters... 

Groinman can be reached at malamute@4malamute.com

Original content related to this site,
including editorials, photos
and exclusive materials
© 4malamute.com, 2001-2008
All Rights Reserved