Some naggin' little
butt biters, 24 July 2008
is Officer Lee Groinman.
Yeah, the thoroughly
irritated and disgusted one...
Here I sit in my
basement bunker, Wednesday, high noon, it’s nearing the end of my
weekend, I’m contemplatin’ life and all whatnot, dang if it’s not a
Southern- Blues type of day, yeah, it’s hotter than Georgia asphalt, and
it’s too hot to spit. I’ve got the Allman Brother’s on the BOSE
You know, it’s not the
big downers in life that gets me blue, it’s the constant little naggin’
butt-biters that go on to infinity. Here it is the middle of July and
I’m still waiting on that gov-ment economic-stipulus check, as I spill
my coffee. Oh sure they sent me one all right, they deducted every last
dime I owed and sent me the balance. After I had already paid
what I had owed. Not to fear, I spent a day and a half (my weekend) on
the phone trying to get this ramifucated and was assured that I’d get a
refund check no later than the end of July.
July of 2009...
The way Groinman here
has got it figured, that epidemic-stipulus program just cost me $72.63.
Damn there goes that coffee! Too hot for coffee anyway. Gloria! Fetch me
another one of them brews down here!!
Like that’ll work...
“Lord have Mercy on
But ya’ know, it can
always get worse. But I have had a few days off this year, yeah to
attend two funerals, but hey at least I wasn’t the guy in the
box...One of these funerals was for my ol’ Grand Dad Ole. He passed on
at 104 years of age. I suppose he was more than ready. I always meant to
write something about him, but the Old Norwegian had never been a sports
fan, he was a worker, farmer, and a family man and besides that, he
wouldn’t know the difference between a football and a golf club...
But hey, I remember
once my dad got his self a new sand-wedge. Grampy came over, took one
look at my dad taking practice swings out in the back and said;
“Yah’ sure, dat vould
verk for gopher and da’ snake...
“Ya’ sure ya’ betcha’!”
But we still gonna miss
The other funeral I
made was a bit more of a shock. My old sidekick Deputy Mikey, his dad,
Nacho passed on after complications of surgery.
The funeral was held
back in April, you got it, right during the Spring Game. One of life’s
naggin’ little-butt biters...
I showed up for this
funeral nearly a bit late. I was driving my Dodge Diesel behind these
two ol’ blue haired ladies, couldn’t get around them to save my life. I
had been putting in a sprinkler system and was still towing this little
Bob-Cat like gig with a scoop bucket on it. I don’t know why I was still
towing this little monster, but I do believe it made some sense at the
time...As fate would have it; these two ol’ babes pull into the church
parking lot just ahead of me. Parking was tight, and these two gals were
in complete puzzlement as in where to go. I nearly gave them some
advice. So I spun around them and was forced to go up and around the
hearse. I find a space to park my rig and trailer, but it was too late,
I had been seen. Looking back on it now, it does seem a bit taste-free
of me to show up to a funeral towing a scoop shovel, but as I’ve said,
it did seem to make sense at the time...
Brother Phil, younger
brother of Deputy Mikey was standing next to the hearse where his dad
would soon be takin’ his last ride, perhaps he was getting his thoughts
together, as he was to give the eulogy, perhaps he was just getting some
air to clear his head. I hadn’t seen him in, had it been 10 years? Yup
it was the night of the ’98 ASU game. We had traveled down to Phoenix
for the game and were staying with Phil and his new wife Beth. This was
back when the Dawgs hit on a 4th and 17 for a 67 yard TD pass
from Brock Huard to Reggie with less than a minute left!l Us Dawgs went
Dawg-nuts that night in Tempe Stadium and all the surroundin’
communities...Now I remember, that was the night we fell into this
greasy little slime-ball of a dive called the “Cuddies”. There was this
goofy basturd in stripped pants and a straw hat, he was playin’ some of
the best Stevie Ray Vaughn I’ve ever heard, outside of Stevie Ray
himself. This nut case was obviously alcohol-enhanced. He was damn good
but he’d changed all of Stevie Ray’s lyrics into limericks and
vulgarities. Ten years ago, this nut-ball had me on the floor, Ten years
ago I wasn’t even offended. Today I’d probably be offended, due to my
new found maturity and whatnot.
By Dawg. Ten years, but
what a night that was. I don’t believe Beth has forgiven us yet...
Phil sees me walking up
to the hearse on the way to the church.
“Hey Phil, good to see
you, ya’ know under the circumstances.”
“Right Groinman, nice
of you to offer, but I think we’ve already dug the hole...”
So I missed the Spring
And if this don’t beat
all, a few weeks later I get a notice from Ol’ retired Desk Sarge Deano.
His dad, Judge Hank “The Man in Black” had just passed on. Ya’ see, it
can always get worse.
So where was I? Oh yeah
things that bite. So I get Tuesdays and Wednesdays off, I work rotatin’
shifts, sleep patterns are unknown, is it dark or light? But what gives?
Why are my neighbors, both of them always doing something on my property
line on my days off! DOESN’T ANYBODY WORK ANYMORE!!
Yesterday, my neighbor
was clearing out some brush along the property line, seems he cleared
out a little more than just brush. Today I walk out the back door,
coffee in hand and nearly step on a four-foot Bull Snake that was sunnin’
hisself on my mat! He was a hissin’ all right, and that would be the
first cup of coffee spilt today, but it would not be the last, no sir...
Things that bite...
Time for a ride. I hop
on the torque-monster, the big red two-wheeler. The rear tire is worn.
I’ve been researching motorcycle tires for weeks. Michelin, Bridgestone,
Pirelli, Avon etc... I roll into the Bike Shop. And decide on the
Dunlop. Why the Dunlop you ask? It was the only one in stock that would
fit my bike, that’s why smart guy. Think I’m stupid?
Turns out my brake pads
were shot too, another thirty-five bucks...
So I’m comin’ home up
that lonely and deserted little country road with the nice curves. Time
to test that new tire, what the hell, she’s broke in by now. I grab a
bit of throttle...
85 mph in a
35! No way, man! I got off for 50 in a 35. 154 bucks...Young County
Sheriff’s hiding in orchards, now if that don’t beat all. Back in the
day, blue was blue. Once I get home I turn on the computer. Amazon.com
had the same Dunlop tire for 50 bucks less...
A couple more of life’s
little naggin’ butt-biters...
Think I might go kill
me a snake....
Now where’s Grampy and
Greg Allman of the
Allman Brother’s is on the stereo, singin’ “Tied To The Whippin’ Post”
“Sometimes I Feel....
Sometimes I FEEL...
Like I’ve been
TIED to the whippin’ post...”
So after I cools down a
bit I log on to Dawgman for my daily Tyrone update. I can’t remember
which board it was but Kim Grinolds had a post titled “Time to move on.”
It could have been on the “Hardcore Tyrone” board or maybe the “Free
Tyrone” board, or was it the “Tyrone Free” board? It just escapes me
right now, but my how those fellers loves to banter about their Tyrone,
it truly is one of life’s wonderments...
But I do think it is
time for me to now move on. Move on to a place with no neighbors. No
Sheriffs in orchards, a place with no snakes on your doorstep, a place
like that, yeah that’ll work...
Speakin’ of the County
Jail, I’ve got two inmates who are complete pains in your pockets. I
feel for their parent’s pain, their ex-teachers’ pain. Their ex-coach’s
pain. But now they are my pain. Thanks everybody...
Oh those naggin’ little
Speakin’ of pain. How
about Autzen on August 30th? I echo Coach Baird’s
observations. Groinman sees a massive UW O-line pounding the snot out of
the ducks, with guys like Homer getting the tough yards. The speed we
have at the skill positions nearly gives me the shakes. The Polk’s, yes
both of them will add dimensions not seen around here for a while. The
offense will continue to develop, develop? Hell with Jake this
year, that offense is gonna explode!!
Don’t forget Yakaboski.
That kid will be makin’ some noise this year. THAT’S RIGHT!!
Defense, can Donatell
get ‘er done? Me thinks so. I’m counting on Kirton finally “findin’” his
self on the defensive line. We need some contribution from the incoming
frosh on the D-line. Can that happen? In a normal year with normal
defensive line frosh recruits? No.
But then again, this is
not a normal year with normal defensive line frosh recruits. I’m
talkin’ Ta’amu and Noble, these kids are unnormal, as in not
normal...The defensive line, the coaches experiment with bringin’ over a
speedy 260 pound defensive end named De’shon Matthews to get a few reps
at tackle, and now the whole unit has been tagged as small...Good
And what about Noble
and this California high school exit test? Holey Crapes!
What else are these Californicater’s gonna come up with next?
butt-biters, that’s what they is...
But ya’ know, now let
me tell ya’ this. If you’re a DAWG FAN, and you can’t get excited
about this team and this season, then man, there is somethin’
very, very wrong...I’m not sure I can help you. Ya’ need to dig
down deep and help yourself dude. Nobody can or will do it for ya’.
Hey now, will you looky
here, the Dawgs just got their first commit, Keith Price the QB out of
California. I can’t remember, Price must be the first out of state kid
to be the first verbal in any year, how can that be? Oh wait...
I’m startin’ to feel a
bit better already.
DO YOU HEAR ME!
Think I’ll get ready to
“move on”. On down to Eugene. Just might hook up the scoop-shovel. Yeah,
start me up a new program.
The “DIG-A- HOLE-
FOR -A- DUCK”. Campaign.
Comin’ soon for a duck
Yup, I’ll dig up a big
ol’ barbeque pit full of 22 or 11 ducks wrapped up in tin-foil and
smothered up in grease sauce!!
With one big ol’ duck
roastin’ on the top by the name of Bellotti!!
Roasted Duck man,
taste-free and slimy as ever baby!!
Just the perfect dish
for the French-laundry / finger-food with dip crowd....
I’ll be servin’ out
samples, along with my own specially brewed DAWG DIP...
Ya’ sure, ya’ betcha’
When it’s all said and
done, it really is the thought that truly matters...