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The Associated Press

New York City, June 19th

The NCAA Committee for enforcement of virtue, the Investigating NCAA Querying Until Insanity Strikes Inforcing Things Idiotic Or Needless (INQUISITION) today announced investigation and immediate suspension of 512 out of 511 Division I-A head and assistant coaches questioned for gambling, chiefly in Final-4 pools.

All 511 coaches denied being involved in the pools until presented with evidence.

Asked how 512 coaches out of 511 could possibly be found guilty of gambling, the INQUISITION spokesman, Mr. Bull S.Hit, replied: "One guy was interviewing for a new coaching job, and he got it. The problem was that he told another guy 'I'll bet you $50 bucks that I get the new job!' We here at the NCAA take any sports-related gambling seriously. So basically since he got the job, it counts as a gamble at both his old team and his new team, so that makes two separate coaching jobs and two separate violations. By the way, I usually refer to a coach as 'coach,' but if I don't like the person I just use 'guy'."

Joe Tiller, Purdue coach, was accused by the INQUISITION. Said Tiller, "They asked me if I was in the NCAA pool, and I said yes, so what? I've been in it lots of times. It's in the back lot of the NCAA headquarters. It's nice and relaxing to take a dip after a full day of interrogations. I tell you these investigations can really work up a sweat." Tiller was subsequently exonerated.

Some coaches took the news hard. One coach who bet $100 on the Final-4 was reached early today by telephone. "Those *&*$# can go *&$# themselves. I tell you those *&$#@#$ had better watch out. I got a shotgun and some dynamite in my office and any *&$#@#$#@ comes near me, he's gambling his life -- Oh *&$#!!!" yelled the coach, the line going dead, evidently catching himself use the dreaded 'g' word.

Several other coaches were found to have been wagering on whether or not they would get caught wagering in Final-4 pools. "The guys are quite clever and have invented a number of ways to circumvent the rules. However gambling is gambling, so for these coaches, err-- guys, we have increased their suspensions accordingly," reported Hit.

The Internet has been rife with reports of out-of-date NCAA rules and ambiguous definitions. "It says very clearly what you can do and what you cannot do," emphasized Hit. When pressed on what types of things a coach could gamble on, Hit lowered his voice confidentially. "Well, it really depends on who the guy is. If we like the coach, it is legitimate, if we don't like him, like that Neuheisel guy, it's a violation. We leave the rules fuzzy like that so we can do whatever we want." Hit then sneezed.

The lack of coaches for the 2003 season has caused major problems at all universities. The Inquisition announced later in the day that due to the dearth of coaches (most I-A teams had only a single coach not found to have been wagering on the Final-4) games will consist entirely and exclusively of punt returns.
"We like punt returns a lot," said Hit. "For one thing, it is not like you have to boot it in through the uprights. Any old kick in the general direction downfield will work well. I know some people might think that having a game with nothing but punt returns would be dull, but I think they will be pleasantly surprised. I'm looking forward to the opening game of the season, the Punt Return Classic," smiled Hit.

Joe Jarzynka, of Washington fame, has been contacted by several institutions in the hopes of his becoming head coach of their punt return teams. "Yeah, I've had tons of calls," reported Jarzynka. "The situation is a little weird, but I tell myself, 'it isn't everyday that college football becomes nothing but punt returns.' This is a great opportunity. After all, my punt return teams would be exciting, and won't use that sissified fair catch business. This should be fun and profitable -- I just have to stick to the rules of the NCAA INQUISITION."

Mr. Hit stated that gambling wasn't the only issue the INQUISITION was working on. "Well, we've been working on problems like gambling, strippers, alcohol, and co-eds, but after a while you get tired of the same routine. We have an exciting new project in the works that makes it mandatory for coaches to actually wear halos and take an oath of virtue. These coaches will be prohibited from drinking, swearing, spitting, womanizing, and of course gambling. Even quasi-swear-words like 'darn' will be prohibited for our new, proper coaches. Can anyone imagine a more exciting scenario that having these new virtuous coaches and punt return games on a fall Saturday!"

Mike Archbold can be reached at jazzbox@w-link.net

Copyright 2003 Michael P. Archbold


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