MASSIVE NCAA FOOTBALL GAMBLING STING NETS 511 COACHES
The Associated Press
New York City, June 19th
The NCAA Committee for enforcement of virtue, the Investigating NCAA
Querying Until Insanity Strikes Inforcing Things Idiotic Or Needless
(INQUISITION) today announced investigation and immediate suspension of 512
out of 511 Division I-A head and assistant coaches questioned for
gambling, chiefly in Final-4 pools.
All 511 coaches denied being involved in the pools until presented with
evidence.
Asked how 512 coaches out of 511 could possibly be found guilty of gambling,
the INQUISITION spokesman, Mr. Bull S.Hit, replied: "One guy was
interviewing for a new coaching job, and he got it. The problem was that he
told another guy 'I'll bet you $50 bucks that I get the new job!' We here at
the NCAA take any sports-related gambling seriously. So basically since he
got the job, it counts as a gamble at both his old team and his new team, so
that makes two separate coaching jobs and two separate violations. By the
way, I usually refer to a coach as 'coach,' but if I don't like the person I
just use 'guy'."
Joe Tiller, Purdue coach, was accused by the INQUISITION. Said Tiller, "They
asked me if I was in the NCAA pool, and I said yes, so what? I've been in it
lots of times. It's in the back lot of the NCAA headquarters. It's nice and
relaxing to take a dip after a full day of interrogations. I tell you these
investigations can really work up a sweat." Tiller was subsequently
exonerated.
Some coaches took the news hard. One coach who bet $100 on the Final-4 was
reached early today by telephone. "Those *&*$# can go *&$# themselves. I
tell you those
*&$#@#$ had better watch out. I got a shotgun and some dynamite in my
office and any
*&$#@#$#@ comes near me, he's gambling his
life -- Oh *&$#!!!" yelled the coach, the line going dead, evidently
catching himself use the dreaded 'g' word.
Several other coaches were found to have been wagering on whether or not
they would get caught wagering in Final-4 pools. "The guys are quite clever
and have invented a number of ways to circumvent the rules. However gambling
is
gambling, so for these coaches, err-- guys, we have increased their
suspensions accordingly," reported Hit.
The Internet has been rife with reports of out-of-date NCAA rules and
ambiguous definitions. "It says very clearly what you can do and what you
cannot do," emphasized Hit. When pressed on what types of things a coach
could gamble on, Hit lowered his voice confidentially. "Well, it really
depends
on who the guy is. If we like the coach, it is legitimate, if we don't like
him, like that Neuheisel guy, it's a violation. We leave the rules fuzzy
like that so we can do whatever we want." Hit then sneezed.
The lack of coaches for the 2003 season has caused major problems at all
universities. The Inquisition announced later in the day that due to the
dearth of coaches (most I-A teams had only a single coach not found to have
been
wagering on the Final-4) games will consist entirely and exclusively of punt
returns.
"We like punt returns a lot," said Hit. "For one thing, it is not like you
have to boot it in through the uprights. Any old kick in the general
direction downfield will work well. I know some people might think that
having a game with
nothing but punt returns would be dull, but I think they will be pleasantly
surprised. I'm looking forward to the opening game of the season, the Punt
Return Classic," smiled Hit.
Joe Jarzynka, of Washington fame, has been contacted by several institutions
in the hopes of his becoming head coach of their punt return teams. "Yeah,
I've had tons of calls," reported Jarzynka. "The situation is a little
weird, but I
tell myself, 'it isn't everyday that college football becomes nothing but
punt returns.' This is a great opportunity. After all, my punt return teams
would be
exciting, and won't use that sissified fair catch business. This should be
fun and profitable -- I just have to stick to the rules of the NCAA
INQUISITION."
Mr. Hit stated that gambling wasn't the only issue the INQUISITION was
working on. "Well, we've been working on problems like gambling, strippers,
alcohol, and co-eds, but after a while you get tired of the same routine. We
have an exciting new project in the works that makes it mandatory for
coaches to actually wear halos and take an oath of virtue. These coaches
will be prohibited from drinking, swearing, spitting, womanizing, and of
course gambling. Even
quasi-swear-words like 'darn' will be prohibited for our new, proper
coaches. Can anyone imagine a more exciting scenario that having these new
virtuous coaches and punt return games on a fall Saturday!"
Mike Archbold can be reached at
jazzbox@w-link.net
Copyright 2003 Michael P. Archbold