This is Officer Lee Groinman…
That’s Right, Seattle’s Most Disgusted Cop…
Ya’ know when I think about last year, with all of its taste-free trimmins, it
just leaves a rancid taste in my mouth, kinda’ like a mid-summer’s Lutefisk
dinner gone bad. By Dawg, it just curdles my cream sauce to think about the
wasted plays and days that turned into lost games and lost nights.
think I nearly smelt it comin’, that anxious feelin’ of dread and gloom. It all
started on a warm and dark Wednesday evenin’ while nappin’ on the rug next to
the fridge in the basement. It’s nice and cool down there on that cold cement
floor, kinda’ reminds me of the ‘ol cross-bar motel, that’s right, the county
slammer, where some of our boys should have been stayin’ they way they were
playin’. Why they’d be ready to play some
real ball after just a few
days…but I digress… My dog Rocky, my soon to be 150 pound Malamute, had come
over to check for my pulse and hunt for snacks. As he was slobberin’ on my face
I looked up and noticed a rather sinister sight, the dog had a pinkish growth
comin’ right out of his chest.
GLORIA! What the #%^& is THIS??
I yells out to my wife. “This doesn’t look good Lee, we’re taking him to the vet
didn’t like the look on my wife’s face. She’s been a Doc for 20 years and has
seen ugly before. The look on Rocky’s face wasn’t all that bad, kinda’ a look
that seemed to suggest. “What’s the big deal? And where’s the chips?”
cooked him a Hot Dog…
wasn’t able to make the trip to the Vet in the mornin’. I had an all-important
day scheduled with this pompous horse’s behind, nuthin’ I hate worse than
pompous horse’s behinds, but what ya’ gonna’ do? My cell rang. It’s Gloria.
“Lee, the Vet doesn’t want to do a surgery. She says Rocky is too old, Lee, he’s
nearly 11 and the anesthetics alone could kill him.” Too old my arse! I yells
back into the cell! He was just chasin’ his tail the other day! I know it was
just the other day.
know this vet, looks to about the size of a Jr. high school girl with this long
blonde pony-tail, but I’ll tell ya’ this. I’d seen her bring down a horse with
You tell that little sawed off half-pint
broad to get her ARSE
back in there and do her JOB! We
won’t be toleratin’ any slackers
around HERE! This is Rocky were
talkin’ about! Not some dumb farm animule!!
DO YOU HEAR ME?
“Yes Lee, we
hear you. We’re on the speaker phone
Turns out the Vet had a full book, but was
talked into doing the surgery Friday night after hours, she also had
to keep him over night. Yes. I must admit, I saw the dollars signs come up, but
what ya’ gonna’ do?
Again, I was unable to be there when Rocky went in. We just had a little talk
before Gloria loaded him up for what could be his last trip.
You’ll be fine there little Buddy!
It was gonna’ be a nervous night, but the vet promised to call with any news.
She wouldn’t allow the parents to attend, especially after hours, promised she’d
call, said she’d call…
get home sometime after mid-night furious that Gloria hadn’t called. “So what’s
The STORY?’ Gloria asked, what’d the Vet say? I replied, unsure I really wanted
to know. “I thought she was going to call
Yup, the Vet never called. Nope,
Coulda’ been somethin’ I said. Yeah, well ya’ know how some women are…
Sleepless at the Groinman’s…
Not knowing if my dog had even survived the surgery, or the night for that
matter, I found myself pacin’ on the Vets porch at 6 am. What a night this had
been, and we got a game today!
Thank God it was only Nevada.
“Oh it’s you Lee.” The receptionist replied. “The Doctor would like a word with
you.” She says ever so seriously, I think I’m gonna lose it. My stomach pitted
out. Just then Rocky staggers around the corner lookin’ like he spent the night
alone in the evidence room…ROCKY!!
could you please keep him out of the weeds?” That’s it? The weeds?
“And here’s your bill.” 143 bucks. I grabbed my checkbook, thinkin’ she left out
a page or two. 143 bucks! That’s about what Dawgman pays for a cut down at the
Timmy and his Pa' Paulie. By Gloria Groinman
This was gonna’ be a great day! I still had time to make it to the game, as my
bookie Timmy and his Pa’ Paulie were comin’ up from Reno to watch the Wolf Pack.
Doesn’t get any better than this!!
YABBA DABBA DOO!!
Oh my! I gotta GO!
Gotta Go, Gotta Go, Gotta Go, right now!!
Rocky, the beloved Malamute owned by Lee and Gloria Groinman, is
the mascot for this website. See the photo above and the one embedded in our
logo. The next Groinman episode, the Nevada game, will be published in a few
Richard Linde (a.k.a., Malamute) can be reached at