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This is Officer Lee Groinman…

That’s Right, Seattle’s Most Disgusted Cop…

Ya’ know when I think about last year, with all of its taste-free trimmins, it just leaves a rancid taste in my mouth, kinda’ like a mid-summer’s Lutefisk dinner gone bad. By Dawg, it just curdles my cream sauce to think about the wasted plays and days that turned into lost games and lost nights.

I think I nearly smelt it comin’, that anxious feelin’ of dread and gloom. It all started on a warm and dark Wednesday evenin’ while nappin’ on the rug next to the fridge in the basement. It’s nice and cool down there on that cold cement floor, kinda’ reminds me of the ‘ol cross-bar motel, that’s right, the county slammer, where some of our boys should have been stayin’ they way they were playin’. Why they’d be ready to play some real ball after just a few days…but I digress… My dog Rocky, my soon to be 150 pound Malamute, had come over to check for my pulse and hunt for snacks. As he was slobberin’ on my face I looked up and noticed a rather sinister sight, the dog had a pinkish growth comin’ right out of his chest.

GLORIA! What the #%^& is THIS?? I yells out to my wife. “This doesn’t look good Lee, we’re taking him to the vet first thing!”

I didn’t like the look on my wife’s face. She’s been a Doc for 20 years and has seen ugly before. The look on Rocky’s face wasn’t all that bad, kinda’ a look that seemed to suggest. “What’s the big deal? And where’s the chips?”

I cooked him a Hot Dog…

I wasn’t able to make the trip to the Vet in the mornin’. I had an all-important day scheduled with this pompous horse’s behind, nuthin’ I hate worse than pompous horse’s behinds, but what ya’ gonna’ do? My cell rang. It’s Gloria.

“Lee, the Vet doesn’t want to do a surgery. She says Rocky is too old, Lee, he’s nearly 11 and the anesthetics alone could kill him.” Too old my arse! I yells back into the cell! He was just chasin’ his tail the other day! I know it was just the other day. 

I know this vet, looks to about the size of a Jr. high school girl with this long blonde pony-tail, but I’ll tell ya’ this. I’d seen her bring down a horse with one paw…

You tell that little sawed off half-pint broad to get her ARSE back in there and do her JOB! We won’t be toleratin’ any slackers around HERE! This is Rocky were talkin’ about! Not some dumb farm animule!!

DO YOU HEAR ME?

Yes Lee, we all hear you. We’re on the speaker phone here…”

Turns out the Vet had a full book, but was talked into doing the surgery Friday night after hours, she also had to keep him over night. Yes. I must admit, I saw the dollars signs come up, but what ya’ gonna’ do?

Again, I was unable to be there when Rocky went in. We just had a little talk before Gloria loaded him up for what could be his last trip.

You’ll be fine there little Buddy!

It was gonna’ be a nervous night, but the vet promised to call with any news. She wouldn’t allow the parents to attend, especially after hours, promised she’d call, said she’d call…

I get home sometime after mid-night furious that Gloria hadn’t called. “So what’s The STORY?’ Gloria asked, what’d the Vet say? I replied, unsure I really wanted to know. “I thought she was going to call YOU!

Yup, the Vet never called. Nope,

Coulda’ been somethin’ I said. Yeah, well ya’ know how some women are…

Sleepless at the Groinman’s…

Not knowing if my dog had even survived the surgery, or the night for that matter, I found myself pacin’ on the Vets porch at 6 am. What a night this had been, and we got a game today!

Thank God it was only Nevada.

“Oh it’s you Lee.” The receptionist replied. “The Doctor would like a word with you.” She says ever so seriously, I think I’m gonna lose it. My stomach pitted out.  Just then Rocky staggers around the corner lookin’ like he spent the night alone in the evidence room…ROCKY!!

Mr. Groinman, could you please keep him out of the weeds?” That’s it? The weeds?

“And here’s your bill.” 143 bucks. I grabbed my checkbook, thinkin’ she left out a page or two. 143 bucks! That’s about what Dawgman pays for a cut down at the “Cut-n-Shine”!


Timmy and his Pa' Paulie. By Gloria Groinman

This was gonna’ be a great day! I still had time to make it to the game, as my bookie Timmy and his Pa’ Paulie were comin’ up from Reno to watch the Wolf Pack. Doesn’t get any better than this!!

YABBA DABBA DOO!!

Oh my! I gotta GO!

Gotta Go, Gotta Go, Gotta Go, right now!!

 

Editor's note:

Rocky, the beloved Malamute owned by Lee and Gloria Groinman, is the mascot for this website. See the photo above and the one embedded in our logo. The next Groinman episode, the Nevada game, will be published in a few days.

Richard Linde (a.k.a., Malamute) can be reached at malamute@4malamute.com

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