This is Officer Lee Groinman.
That's Right, still Seattle's Most Disgusted
we got us a little theme goin' on around here, it's kinda' like the sign we have
down at the shop, goes somethin' like this: "The beatings will continue until
the morale improves."
That's Right, kinda' reminds me of back in the
seventies, when ol' Richard Pryor was doing his Reverend LeRoy gig, seems ol'
Reverend LeRoy of the "Church of the What be Happening Now" was asking the
eternal question, yes, THE eternal question.
"How Long? How long!! How long can this bull
sheep go on??"
How Long? Too long.
I've been in this funk for far too long, much
like this year's team and last year's team. It's long past the time to purge
something off my chest.
My good ol dog Rocky got the cancer during last
year's season. We spent many nights walkin’ thru the trees and got to spend a
few Saturdays watching some rather forgettable Husky games. I kept him walking,
he really liked the full moon nights, he’d howl at that moon as if he wasn’t
really sick. "Keep 'em eatin', movin' and poopin' " was my motto.
On Easter Sunday, I threw a little BBQ, Rocky
didn't pay much attention, usually he was my #1 assistant with the sauce and the
like. Not this time. I was more than a bit concerned, he did eat a little.
Monday mornin' I filled up his water dish and scratched his ears. It was the
last time I saw him alive.
I came home to a dog who had passed on and a
freshly dug grave. Who dug the grave? I asked the wife Gloria. "Some guys, said
they were your friends from the Dawgman website, they really did a good job,
said they knew how hard it would be for you. I'm so sorry Lee."
Friends? At Dawgman? Not many knew he
Thanks guys, whoever you were.
Seems my life was over as I had known it. The
eleven years I had with that big ol' Rocky were some of the crappiest years of
my life, but he had made it all worthwhile.
Now I had to go bury him.
"We’ve got to go wrap him in his colors" I says
to Gloria, so we got out his favorite Husky purple blanket and wrapped it around
his bulk. Now I've got to do the unthinkable, lay him down in his grave. How so?
Ropes? A ladder? Nope, I just picked him up and stepped/slid into the grave with
him. As I laid him down, his ear stuck up and out of the blanket.
Six months later, I still can't get
that picture out of my mind.
As I'm standing in my dog's grave, with his
body at my feet, a sort of internal vertigo seemed to run down from my brain
right thru to my backbone, and all the way down to my feet, a near paralyzing
effect. My throat is getting tight and my eyes seem to be on fire. My hands are
"Lee, you can't just stand there! You've got to
Maybe standin' in a grave, while looking up at
my wife, as she was holdin' the shovel added to the effect.
They say the shortest verse in the Bible is
just two words. "Jesus wept."
Yeah, I hear ya' man.
I thanked God for the 11 years we had with
Rocky and I managed to get the following words out:
"Rocky, you were the best dog ever, and I'll
miss you forever. Rocky, I loved you more than anything!"
As Gloria leans against the shovel.
Yup, that line is gonna bite in the butt,
already has, and will, forever.....
Things didn't get much better in the weeks
ahead. I saw Rocky everywhere. In the driveway, on the deck, on the stairs, back
in the trees. One night during a full moon, I heard his howl. That's it! Enough!
Gloria I says! I’m sorry babe, but living alone
with you just don't feed the bull dog! We're gettin' another dog and thou shall
call him Elijah!
But we’ll just call him Eli for short. Gloria
couldn't agree more, and that's a good thing. I think....
So Eli was comin’.
Well as it turns out, getting a new Malamute is
not as easy as it looks. We did finally find a breeder down in Rochester WA.
Rochester? On a Sunday afternoon.
Yeah, Paul and Diane. They only had one pup
left, a female, a girl dog…
Gloria I says, they don’t let girl dogs
be mascots! But Gloria had Paul and Diane on the phone, long distance, here Lee,
just talk to Paul.
Now listen up Paul, ya’ got one pup left, a
female, now no offense Paul, but I haven’t been home on a Sunday in a month,
and I don’t want to come all the way down to Rochester just to see
some dawg-awful ugly pup.
“Listen Lee, you’ll like this little girl, you
come down here and you’ll take her home. Quaranteed. And, uh Lee, no offense,
but that’ll be cash."
So we call her Elsie.
Elsie is an ancient Indian name that means
“Great Naughty One.”
Some dog breeder’s are a little funny about
certain things, but as we’re leaving I sensed Paul was a pretty good guy, kinda’
like a guy like us. So I says to Paul, “Now listen up Paul, I really wanted a
male to replace my Rocky. Would ya’ know of a breeder that might be willin’ to
breed Elsie so maybe I could keep a male pup?” Paul looks a bit astonished, “Why
what would you do then? Give away this little girl?”
Oh mercy sakes no!! “Well," Paul says," my next
door neighbor, Rhonda and John have a litter coming up in about 2 months…”
So Eli really was comin’!!
tested the pups for IQ. Elsie is in the genius range, just great, another female
in the house thinking they’re a genius, just perfect, like the ol’ Jim Croce
song ‘we got all the genius we can use.' Eli is normal. looks like us guys will
be spending some time together.
The other day I caught them both on the couch,
Some folks ask me, they say “Hey Groinman, you
gonna breed these two dogs?”
Well, by the looks of things, they gonna do it
all by themselves…
But how I do digress…
So now we got the 70-point Spartans on our
plate. What, we gonna do, over look somebody? Yeah, that could be next. But let
me ask ya' this. How long since a victory, how long since a complete game, how
long since a plus sign in the turn-over margin, how long since points scored off
turn-overs, how long, oh how long! How long....
As the Reverend LeRoy might say, TOO LONG!!!
DO YOU HEAR ME!!
GO DAWGS!! IT’S A NEW DAY!!!
P.S. I'd like to thank Rich Linde for keepin'
Rocky on his site. It means a bunch. Somewhere, somehow, Rocky is thankful too.
Rocky, this one is for you. Thanks for everything Bud.
Once more, I wish to thank Gloria
Groinman for her splendid cartoon. In my mind, she's a genius. :)