Stream of Unconsciousness
By Casey Anderson, Posted 22 October 2004
the horrorÖthe horror. Why do the football gods see fit to punish us so? I
stumbled out of Husky Stadium last Saturday afternoon belching forth a string
of obscenities so foul that I can only assume the reason I wasnít promptly
ejected from the premises stems from the fact that I was already shoving my
red-faced, sharp-elbowed way out of the gates more quickly than an usher or
three couldíve heaved me. But wait, if a fan curses in an empty stadium, did
it ever really happen? What is the sound of one fan clapping? Iím confused.
Anyway, Iím trying (with the futile help of a team of translators, editors,
and a desperate, unemployed psychologist) to come to terms with some of my
thoughts and feelings about the Huskies this year.
Weíre really bad. And yeah, I said "we". I know Iím not supposed to but I
did, so deal with it. I say "we" when the Dawgs are winning, like when I say
to my friends, "Dude, remember when we smoked Miami, then beat Purdue in the
Rose Bowl a few years back, that was sweet." To which my friends reply, "Yeah,
that was totally sweet". And so, yeah, I figure I paid for six years of
college tuition, itís my right. Okay, my parents paid the tuition. But I pay
my season ticket money every year, Iíve only missed one or two games since
1995, I own five Husky football jerseys (still havenít found the "lucky" one
this year, dang it!), six Husky baseball caps, a knit Husky stocking cap, four
Husky sweatshirts, a pair of Husky pants, a pair of Husky shorts, two
Washington car flags, two UW car magnets, two windows stickers which I replace
every couple of years when they start to fade, various Washington beer
glasses, shot glasses, tumblers, and plastic cups, a Husky folding table, and
a Washington Alumni motorcycle license plate frame. I mean, it's like I'm
practically a fat cat Tyee donator, except without the big donations. Why is
this important? I donít know. Iím just irritated and Iím feeling defensive.
Unlike our Dawgs (yes, dear reader, Iím including you in this whole "we"
concept, too; I know you bought most of the same paraphernalia I bought, took
some of those awful lecture classes I took (like the one where *insert current
Husky tailbackís name here* never showed up to class and somehow received a
better grade than you), drove from Seattle to Vegas to Pasadena in the span of
4 days around New Years, etc, etc, etcÖWhere was I? Oh yes, I was feeling
defensive, unlike our Dawgs, who havenít been very defensive since, oh, second
half of the 2001 Holiday Bowl. Yeah, I drove to that one, too. I think I had a
point here somewhere. And speaking of points, we, the University of Washington
Huskies, in order to form the least perfect season, have ordained and
established an extremely irritating tendency to not score any points. Both the
defense and the offense are offensive and Iím feeling pretty defensive about
I need somebody to blame. As I left the stadium Saturday, I blamed
everybody. Quarterbacks, full backs, half backs, defensive backs, linebackers,
you name it. Even players who aren't backs. Nobodyís safe. Injured players?
Sure. Past players? Check. Barbara Hedges, Slick Rick, the Pac-10, the NCAA,
Oregon, Wazzu, Martha Stewart, Eminem, O. J, Michael Moore, Jennifer Lopez,
kittens, puppy dogs, la Cosa Nostra, Greenpeace, Iraq, EVERYBODY GETS A PIECE
OF THE BLAME!
Then there's Coach Gilbertson. Oh man. Iíve been trying so hard to give
Gilby the benefit of the doubt. I donít understand the idea of firing a coach
after heís only been head coach for a year and a half, especially with a
program that is dying for some stability. Plus, itís not exactly like thereís
a bevy of talented coaches dying to come to Seattle. Fire Gilby and replace
him withÖwho? We could bring Neuheisel back, heís a free man as of yesterday.
Sorry, bad joke. Anybody out there think they can convince Bob Stoops to leave
the Okies? How Ďbout Nick Saban? Let me call him. "Hey Coach, would you like
to leave the defending national champions and come rebuild a 2-10 Pac-10 team
up in the cold, rainy northwest?...No, CoachÖSorry, no, you canít use any
boats in recruiting, even though I'm not really sure why that's importantÖOkay
then, well, got any assistants that might be interestedÖDo you have any
brothers?...Sisters?...Coach?...Hello?" It ainít happeniní. Who do we want?
Jeff Tedford, the X-Duck hack riding the coat tails of the best QB (he didnít
recruit) in the nation? Norm Chow? Yeah, letís replace one former coordinator
with another, great idea. Donít we have any UW retreads laying around?
Somebody go look in the custodial closet in the back corner of the Don James
Center. Any forgotten coaching talent stuffed back in a cobwebbed corner
behind a mop and bucket? Forget it. If the U-Dub is making a coaching change,
I want a bona fide genius, a prodigy, a GA-RUN-TEED winner. Otherwise, itís a
waste of time.
Now, on the other glove, Gilby just about kills me when I hear him on the
radio. Heís George W-esque in his ability to captivate an audience with his
utter lack of anything exciting to say. If I was a 17 year-old stud defensive
end and I had Coach Gilbertson sitting on the loveseat in my family room (wow,
thatís disturbing), I donít see how I could be anything butÖbored. Donít
misunderstand me here, Iím pulling for Gilby big-time; heís a local guy whoís
proven his loyalty to the program and helped to bring that National Champions
banner to Husky Stadium. My concern lies with the recruiting. We need some
seriously Ohio State-like recruiting (heavy on the defense...minus the
knucklehead running backs, please) to turn this program around, and I donít
know that Gilby has the charisma to pull it off. I guess weíll find out in a
couple of years, regardless of whether Gilby himself is here or not.
If you read this far, I'm sorry, but you might as well finish the job. Home
losses to 1-4 Oregon State teams are unacceptable. Home losses to Oregon State
are unacceptable. Home losses are unacceptable. Actually, losses in general I
have a pretty hard time accepting. From here on out, I want to go undefeated.
Forever. If I can do it on my X-Box, it can be done in real life. If my Dawgs
canít make it happen, then Iím going toÖIím going toÖIím going to keep buying
my season tickets and jerseys, spend my Saturdays weeping and my Sundays in