Stream of Unconsciousness
By Casey Anderson, Posted 22 October 2004

Oh, the horror…the horror. Why do the football gods see fit to punish us so? I stumbled out of Husky Stadium last Saturday afternoon belching forth a string of obscenities so foul that I can only assume the reason I wasn’t promptly ejected from the premises stems from the fact that I was already shoving my red-faced, sharp-elbowed way out of the gates more quickly than an usher or three could’ve heaved me. But wait, if a fan curses in an empty stadium, did it ever really happen? What is the sound of one fan clapping? I’m confused. Anyway, I’m trying (with the futile help of a team of translators, editors, and a desperate, unemployed psychologist) to come to terms with some of my thoughts and feelings about the Huskies this year.

We’re really bad. And yeah, I said "we". I know I’m not supposed to but I did, so deal with it. I say "we" when the Dawgs are winning, like when I say to my friends, "Dude, remember when we smoked Miami, then beat Purdue in the Rose Bowl a few years back, that was sweet." To which my friends reply, "Yeah, that was totally sweet". And so, yeah, I figure I paid for six years of college tuition, it’s my right. Okay, my parents paid the tuition. But I pay my season ticket money every year, I’ve only missed one or two games since 1995, I own five Husky football jerseys (still haven’t found the "lucky" one this year, dang it!), six Husky baseball caps, a knit Husky stocking cap, four Husky sweatshirts, a pair of Husky pants, a pair of Husky shorts, two Washington car flags, two UW car magnets, two windows stickers which I replace every couple of years when they start to fade, various Washington beer glasses, shot glasses, tumblers, and plastic cups, a Husky folding table, and a Washington Alumni motorcycle license plate frame. I mean, it's like I'm practically a fat cat Tyee donator, except without the big donations. Why is this important? I don’t know. I’m just irritated and I’m feeling defensive. Unlike our Dawgs (yes, dear reader, I’m including you in this whole "we" concept, too; I know you bought most of the same paraphernalia I bought, took some of those awful lecture classes I took (like the one where *insert current Husky tailback’s name here* never showed up to class and somehow received a better grade than you), drove from Seattle to Vegas to Pasadena in the span of 4 days around New Years, etc, etc, etc…Where was I? Oh yes, I was feeling defensive, unlike our Dawgs, who haven’t been very defensive since, oh, second half of the 2001 Holiday Bowl. Yeah, I drove to that one, too. I think I had a point here somewhere. And speaking of points, we, the University of Washington Huskies, in order to form the least perfect season, have ordained and established an extremely irritating tendency to not score any points. Both the defense and the offense are offensive and I’m feeling pretty defensive about it.

I need somebody to blame. As I left the stadium Saturday, I blamed everybody. Quarterbacks, full backs, half backs, defensive backs, linebackers, you name it. Even players who aren't backs. Nobody’s safe. Injured players? Sure. Past players? Check. Barbara Hedges, Slick Rick, the Pac-10, the NCAA, Oregon, Wazzu, Martha Stewart, Eminem, O. J, Michael Moore, Jennifer Lopez, kittens, puppy dogs, la Cosa Nostra, Greenpeace, Iraq, EVERYBODY GETS A PIECE OF THE BLAME!

Then there's Coach Gilbertson. Oh man. I’ve been trying so hard to give Gilby the benefit of the doubt. I don’t understand the idea of firing a coach after he’s only been head coach for a year and a half, especially with a program that is dying for some stability. Plus, it’s not exactly like there’s a bevy of talented coaches dying to come to Seattle. Fire Gilby and replace him with…who? We could bring Neuheisel back, he’s a free man as of yesterday. Sorry, bad joke. Anybody out there think they can convince Bob Stoops to leave the Okies? How ‘bout Nick Saban? Let me call him. "Hey Coach, would you like to leave the defending national champions and come rebuild a 2-10 Pac-10 team up in the cold, rainy northwest?...No, Coach…Sorry, no, you can’t use any boats in recruiting, even though I'm not really sure why that's important…Okay then, well, got any assistants that might be interested…Do you have any brothers?...Sisters?...Coach?...Hello?" It ain’t happenin’. Who do we want? Jeff Tedford, the X-Duck hack riding the coat tails of the best QB (he didn’t recruit) in the nation? Norm Chow? Yeah, let’s replace one former coordinator with another, great idea. Don’t we have any UW retreads laying around? Somebody go look in the custodial closet in the back corner of the Don James Center. Any forgotten coaching talent stuffed back in a cobwebbed corner behind a mop and bucket? Forget it. If the U-Dub is making a coaching change, I want a bona fide genius, a prodigy, a GA-RUN-TEED winner. Otherwise, it’s a waste of time.

Now, on the other glove, Gilby just about kills me when I hear him on the radio. He’s George W-esque in his ability to captivate an audience with his utter lack of anything exciting to say. If I was a 17 year-old stud defensive end and I had Coach Gilbertson sitting on the loveseat in my family room (wow, that’s disturbing), I don’t see how I could be anything but…bored. Don’t misunderstand me here, I’m pulling for Gilby big-time; he’s a local guy who’s proven his loyalty to the program and helped to bring that National Champions banner to Husky Stadium. My concern lies with the recruiting. We need some seriously Ohio State-like recruiting (heavy on the defense...minus the knucklehead running backs, please) to turn this program around, and I don’t know that Gilby has the charisma to pull it off. I guess we’ll find out in a couple of years, regardless of whether Gilby himself is here or not.

If you read this far, I'm sorry, but you might as well finish the job. Home losses to 1-4 Oregon State teams are unacceptable. Home losses to Oregon State are unacceptable. Home losses are unacceptable. Actually, losses in general I have a pretty hard time accepting. From here on out, I want to go undefeated. Forever. If I can do it on my X-Box, it can be done in real life. If my Dawgs can’t make it happen, then I’m going to…I’m going to…I’m going to keep buying my season tickets and jerseys, spend my Saturdays weeping and my Sundays in therapy.