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Seattle's Most Thankful Cop

This is Officer Lee Groinman.

That’s right, Seattle’s Most Thankful Cop.

Thankful for the season’s end anyway…

Good Dawg, what a dawg-awful waste of a year. Of course, what Gilby needed was a year with nominal injuries and some stable play at quarterback, just stable, no heroics, just move the chains DAMN YOU! And thank you very much!

Naturally, what we got was a travelin’ MASH unit with one QB without the talent for this level, another QB who could be a circus act, and yet another, who is still in short pants and suckin’ on a lollipop.


You’d think the staff would be able to mold some solid play out of this trio, and after sufferin’ thru Saturday’s Apple Cup, maybe they finally have!

About 3 months too LATE!!

But how I do digress…

I guess it was just prior to the USC game when the stench of reality settled in like a mid-November fog. It was apparent that Gilby’s version of the West Coast offense, the “Puget Sound low-tide” variety, wasn’t gonna get us into the end zone with any regularity. Now if they could just awarded us points for first downs…

So we had this chance to, like we all do, to attend the SC game. After a scant second thought, we thought it might be better just to watch the game down at Curly’s Bar & Grill. What a concept…besides, Bar-keep Kathy makes the best man-killer Super Burrito, comes wrapped in a green tortilla with all the fixings, hey, a man’s gotta eat!

I’m sittin’ there at the bar with Deputy Mikey, feelin’ pretty glum, and the game hadn’t even started yet. “What’s up Lee? You’re looking as green as a tortilla!” I says “well Mikey, it’s just that this is the first time in my 23 years of holding season tickets, it’s the very first time, that I’ve got this feelin’.” Mikey’s lookin’ a bit perplexed. “You got feelings there, Lee?”

“Yup, I’m feelin’ that hell itself could freeze over before we’d ever win this game.”

Well the boys played all right for quite a spell, but then you add in the timely turnovers, toss in some costly errors, a few false starts, and a defense that plays 75% of the game and you get the same result. Same result, different day, Just change the name of the team, the time of the screw-up and the final score.

As if we hadn’t suffered enough abuse at home this year, the boys and me decided to take our misery on the road. A little cross-state magical-misery tour…I thought about makin’ up some purple tee shirts with gold letterin’ that read “Husky Football: 2004 Survivor.”

That’s right! It was time to travel to Pullman, the Apple Cup! Surely the sufferin’ would come to a thankful end, what with Thanksgivin’ just around the corner. Fate would turn our way for sure. The football gods would reward our patience, and impatience. No doubt Gilby would walk off into the night with a victory, the Apple Cup trophy held high over his head. The Governor himself might even get our name right this time. Paus, much maligned during his first year as starter, would take command of his team after a costly coug turnover. Paus, then would force a tie with a picture perfect pass to Chambers in the corner of the end zone, as time was waning.

The quadruple Husky overtime victory would be one for the ages. The Husky crowd in the end zone would be delirious as Evan Knudson’s 51-yard field goal curled around the left upright with two feet to spare!

Speakin’ of delirious…

But let me tell you this!

The Huskies could learn a thing or two from those cougs on how to throw a party!

We entered into the Belly of the Beast before the Apple Cup kick-off. The pre-game function in the Big Barn, aka the coug Fieldhouse, sponsored by John Deere… The place had booths from various restaurants and you could pick from whatever vendor you felt like. Burger King, or McDonalds, plenty of booths, a large crowd, and short lines…

We were trollin’ thru the joint, I found myself wonderin’ whether I was back stage to a “Deliverance” movie reunion tour, or a Grand Opening to a brand new “Wal-Mart.”

On center floor, right in the middle of the joint, as you might guess, I spied a most troublin’ event. Seems the adult males in the group were strippin’ down to their waists and paintin’ themselves up in the local colors. Kinda’ like “Game Day in the Palouse.”

But Dawg-dangit, they had the young boys there followin’ suit, young boys strippin’ down to their waist and getting’ all painted up by their dads. While their moms chanted and clapped hands in rhythm, their eyes ceilin’ bound…

Let me tell ya’ folks, the only thing missing was the snake-handlers!!

We didn’t stay for half-time…

Then you had the beer line… Where you were supposed to pre-purchase your tickets. Key word “supposed”.

It did not take long for Groinman and crew to find the angle.

Tickets? What tickets? We don’t need no stinkin’ tickets!!

“Well sirs,” says this shapely co-ed. “if you have no tickets, you may just place some money into this fish bowl.” A fish bowl? In Pullman? Who’d a thunk it…

I took out a twenty, “Sir,” says the co-ed, with a sly wink, I don’t have that kind of change.” Of course not, we’re in Pullman…

I threw a couple of dollar bills in the fish bowl.

“And how many beers did you want? Was it four?”

She bent over nicely and reached down into this horse trough full of ice and grabbed 4 Buds.

“Thanks, Susie!”

After about the third trip thru Susie’s line, I noticed that the fish bowl had a paper sign with the word “TIPS” written across it. It wasn’t there before. Was it?

“Ya’ know Susie,” I says to her, “I really like your style!”

“Just gotta feed the bowl dawg, sir. Would you like me to open those last Buds?” Susie asked as she was holding the plastic knife. “Nah, Susie that’s okay.” “All right then, just don’t tell anybody…”

And if that don’t beat all, admission was free, enter at your own risk…

“Yup, and I’ll tell ya’ this, I was very Thankful that all of this revelry took part before the game.”

It was on the way home, just outside of Dusty, WA. Population 237. My buddy, John the Fireman, got pulled over by one of Dusty’s finest for doing 67 mph.

Seems we were the last in a long line of rigs doing 67 mph. Just as in the wild kingdom, traffic, and football, those at the end of the line kinda’ get the shaft…

“By signing this citation sir, you are not admitting guilt. Press hard, three copies…”

So we made a little donation to the local economy…Word is, the Apple Cup, when in Pullman, is the biggest day of the year for the Dusty town coffer!

“So John,” I says to John, “This trip, this night, this season, this game, this coachin’ staff, all this shall soon pass away. Why just look around at this beautiful night! Check out that moon and all those bright stars! Why the light from those stars left most of those very same stars at the very beginning of time! Some of that light left before you were even born John!

And that silly little citation? All this too shall soon pass away. Tomorrow is another day! The sun will come up for sure. Next year is another season!

Hey John!


This season is not even worth a deleted memory chip in a GOODWILL computer! Why there’s over 45 billion Chinese who won’t even know the FINAL SCORE! And another thing! I wouldn’t give a pimple on a rat’s butt“

“Put a sock in it Groinman…”

Happy Thanksgiving Husky fans!


Is it over?


Groinman can be reached at malamute@4malamute.com

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