The Biennial Stupid Quotes Awards
By Malamute, 16 February 2005
the past two years, Husky fans have been bombarded with a litany of
stupid statements from the media, from UW coaches and athletic directors and now,
ahem, from the Neuhiesel trial, where columnists Art Thiel and John Levesque are being
widely quoted. There have been so many ridiculous statements made over the past two
years; it was kind of hard to know where to begin. However, we’ve managed to
select our ten best of the dumbest of the dumb, and, of course, we comment on
1. An anonymous editorialist at the Seattle Times
Scene: All the while Rick Neuheisel coached
the Washington Huskies, rumors continually surfaced about his potential
candidacy for other coaching jobs. For example, while at the UW, the
multi-talented Neuheisel was
rumored to be a candidate for jobs with Notre Dame, UCLA, and the Cleveland
Browns – in addition to the 49ers.
After UCLA fired Bob Toledo, an anonymous Seattle Times
editorial (“Coach Rick Hamlet, December 14, 2002) speculated on Neuheisel’s
potential candidacy for that vacancy.
Quotes: The editorialist wrote, “Cougar coach Mike Price is a
different matter. His solid reputation and patient success naturally attracts
attention. He has made Washington State University proud, and he has earned the
right to seek new challenges and other coaching opportunities.
“But Price is the coach we want to stay put. His teams play hard for him and
he runs a clean program. [Anonymous].
Comment: As irony
would have it, given license to roam, Price shot himself in the foot at a
nightclub in Pensacola, Florida (May 2003), in what is now known as the infamous
Dance with Destiny.
2. Former UW AD Barbara Hedges
Scene: Currently, Rich Neuheisel
Neuheisel is suing the UW for wrongful termination
and the NCAA for tortious interference, or acts that led to his termination.
Quote: During the trial, Hedges was quoted as
saying that she and Neuheisel were “joined at the hip.”
Comment: Beam me up, Scottie -- Fitzgerald,
that is. Yeah, it was just like Daisy Buchanan and Jay Gatsby being joined at
the hip. Daisy drove the homicide vehicle and Gatsby took the fall.
3. Former UW coach Keith Gilberston
Scene: September 2003. The Idaho game (UW
Quote: At half-time, a radio announcer asked Gilby about
Washington’s lack of discipline—considering the penalties and the one
turnover—and Gilby replied, “Who made you the coach?”
Comment: We’re going to miss Gilby.
4. Les Carpenter, Seattle Times columnist
Scene: The Neuheisel trial
Quote: “By the end of the day nobody looked
“Not Barbara Hedges, the former athletic director who
exclaimed ‘Holy (expletive)!’ upon learning the NCAA was investigating her
football coach for gambling.
“Not the NCAA investigators who sandbagged Rick Neuheisel
like third-rate gumshoes, luring him to a meeting about a minor recruiting
issue, then battering him into lying about the NCAA gambling pool that got him
into this trouble.” [Carpenter].
Comment: “Third-rate gumshoes?” I thought
everybody knew that. Where’s Carpenter been for the past twelve years?
Hedges uttered, “Holy (expletive)” when she heard Neuheisel
was being investigated for gambling? Big deal. Hillary
topped that one with her response to Bill when she found out about the Monica
affair, this according to Secret Service agents and household staff members.
"What do you mean?" she yelled, and then slapped him hard across the face. "What are
you saying? Why did you lie to me? You stupid, stupid, stupid bastard! My God,
Bill, how could you risk everything for that?" [Anderson].
Obviously, what this trial coverage needs is more
5. John Levesque, Seattle Post-Intelligencer columnist.
Scene: After eavesdropping on Neuheisel’s
cell phone conversation at the San Francisco airport and learning about Rick’s
interview with the 49ers.
Quote: Levesque wrote, “Lest you think I was prowling the
airport in the foliage of a Ficus benjamina, I was reading the Sunday papers in
the gate area when Neuheisel plunked himself down in a chair about 6 feet from
mine. I'm sure he paid no attention to me. I didn't notice him until I heard his
voice, recognizable to anyone who's watched UW sports.” [Levesque].
Comment: Geez, talk about gum shoes!
6. Art Thiel, Seattle Post-Intelligencer columnist.
Scene: In his
column yesterday, Art Thiel wrote about the trial and Levesque’s unbelievable
encounter with Neuheisel, calling it a million-to-one shot. I mean did the
"snitch" tell someone at the P-I that Rick was at the San Francisco airport
after following him from Sun Valley?
Quote: Thiel writes, “Yet for all the missteps and
misdeeds, none (the trial) of this would have happened if Neuheisel two years
ago had not had a one-in-a-million encounter at the San Francisco airport with
P-I columnist John Levesque following the coach's futile interview with the
“If Neuheisel's first instinct at that unlucky moment had
been to the truth that day, he might have been able to spare everyone this
sordid affair by doing what he has done so well so often in his life -- talk his
way out of everything else.” [Thiel].
Comment: John, while at the airport, why
didn’t you just tell Rick that the jig was up, that you had overheard his phone
conversation? You still had your story.
7. Ted Miller, Seattle
Scene: Two weeks before the 2005 signing day.
Quote: Commenting on the number of commitments to the
recruiting class, Miller wrote “that total relegates the Huskies to the sewer of
the Pac-10 recruiting rankings…”
Comment: "Sewer?" Ted, try "septic tank” next time; it sounds
8. Barbara Hedges again
January 16, 2004. UW AD Barbara Hedges, 66, retires. She was expected to retire
on June 30, 2004.
Quote: "Given the events of the last six
months, given my desire to move the focus away from me and to help the
university solve the problems we face right now, I thought it was important to
move up my announcement," she said. "Occasionally, glitches are going to happen.
That's what occurred."
Comment: Glitches? That’s like the Japanese
saying that the atomic bomb dropped on Hiroshima was just a glitch for them in
World War II.
9. Rick Neuheisel at the trial.
Scene: The King Country courtroom at Kent, Washington.
Quote: From Art Thiel’s column yesterday.
“Still appearing stricken, Neuheisel said one of his three sons came home from
the grocery store upset because a baker made up a batch of parody cookies
featuring images of Neuheisel and Mike Price, the former Washington State coach
who was fired from his new job at Alabama after a drunken night at a strip club.
“The cookies read: ‘Dumb and Dumber.’
“Neuheisel testified he went to the store and bought up all
the cookies so his son would no longer have to see them.” [Thiel].
Comment: Did Neuheisel ask his kids' dentist
about eating mashed cookies?
10. UW attorney Lou Peterson in King County Superior
Scene: Neuheisel under
cross-examination from UW attorney Lou Peterson in King County Superior Court.
Quote: This one is from Angelo Bruscas’ column this morning. “Peterson
began by asking Neuheisel if he had previously been admonished for gambling.
When Neuheisel said he didn't recall other incidents, Peterson reminded
him that he had been called into the principal's office in high school in Tempe,
Ariz., for pitching quarters on school property.” [Bruscas].
Comment: Just quarters? Neuheisel has come a long way.
Next thing they'll tell us is that he played for marbles in grade school. The
jig was up for me when all my ill-begotten "migs" fell out of the pocket of my
corduroy pants in the classroom.
[Anonymous]. Editorial, Seattle Times, "Coach Rick Hamlet," December 14,
[Anderson]. Anderson, Christopher, 'Bill and Hillary,' CNN.com, August 5,
[Carpenter]. Carpenter, Les, "Neuheisel lawsuit makes all look bad," The
Seattle Times, February 15, 2005.
[Levesque]. Levesque, John, "I know what I heard; UW fans should, too," The
Seattle Post-Intelligencer, February 12, 2003.
[Thiel]. Thiel, Art, "Height of UW folly revealed," The Seattle
Post-Intelligencer, February 15, 2005.
[Bruscas]. Bruscas, Angelo, "Neuheisel insists Hedges knew," The Seattle
Post-Intelligencer, February 16, 2005.
Richard Linde (a.k.a., Malamute) can be reached at