Groinman gone numb!
This is Officer Lee Groinman,
That’s right, Seattle’s Most Numb-er one Cop…
While it was years ago and in my younger days, I
can still remember so vividly how a Dawg defeat could send me into some angst,
some depression, one USC loss in particular kept me in bed to nearly noon…
Then there was the ’83 Apple Cup. Holey Crapes! I
was driving a
hot little MG roadster at the time, with that loss
and yet another
Rose Bowl denial, I took my frustrations out on
the road with that hot
That ‘hot little car’ got me home, minus
some sidewall rubber and a
quart of oil…
Yes Gloria, there is a God!!
But last year, now last year was some sort of
different kind of animal!
Seems to me that with every defeat, Groinman here,
just became a
little number, as in numb to the core, so numb in fact that by the
the ’04 season, that ’04 season no longer even
Just like my MG Roadster…
With every loss, it seems some Voo-Doo pin got
stuck in my rear quarters,
thusly enhancing the numbing effect.
By the time we left Pullman, I could have had a
Maybe it was a bit like Chinese water torture, a
drop at a time, a day at a
time, a game at a time…
Then one night, you come home and the whole damn
dam has broke!
It was a dark and cold night, fairly late. I come
home to my find my new
Malamute pups, Eli and Elsie,
FRANTIC on the deck!
My instincts tell me quite clearly…something
I enter the house, thru the garage, head thru the
kitchen door. Kitchen is
minus it’s kitchen table. I bound around to the
hallway. The secretary desk is
also missin’. Eli and Elsie are chewing on the
back door trying to get into the
the HELL is this?’ I bellow out to
anyone willing to listen. Normally,
when I yell, the pups cower. They are now trying
to dig thru the back door!!
A cold chill runs up my spine, a shot of
adrenaline hits my heart, as my nostrils flair out, I know that I’m not home
alone, and I ain’t packin’.
I suppose the pups did want in….
I opened the door to the back deck and 240 pounds
of Malamute puppies nearly knock
me on my gyster, I never did know how to spell gister… I spun around in time to
get to my gun stash, EMPTY!! Must
be an inside job!! My pulse quickens, a bead of sweat runs down my nose.
WE’VE BEEN BURGLED!!
After a 1-10 season, it’s time to
KICK SOME ASS
I ran down to the basement with only my little
buddy in hand, that’s right, 26 inches of polished black, laser beam-honed,
Tennessee Hickory stick!!
Once in the basement, I did find my good ol’
single shot .410 shotgun, only me knows where he hides…
Much to my displeasure, I find that the door to
the basement is not only open, but BUSTED
open. My pups are long gone. The gate to the A-O-Kay Malamute corral is also
open, making a pup escape route…
The lousy perps couldn’t even close the
BARN DOOR COUGARS!!
Off in the distance, in the half moon light, I can
hear the pups on the chase! A big water splash! They’ve got them! They’re in the
Visions of a river water baptismal for my
neighboring coug perps fill my fantasies! It’s only a half-mile run, up that
hill, up to that river, load up the shotgun and the little buddy gang, it’s time
The river was deep, and cold as blue-ice, but
needed to be crossed…my pups are in jeopardy, and I’m a bit pissed, maybe not in
Dang nab-it, by the time I crossed that river,
soaked thru to the skin, I find myself just below Ol’ Smedley’s pasture. I find
that my faithful pups are not ‘McGruff’ crime dog candidates…
Elsie has crawled under the fence and is now
chasin’ Smedley’s ol’ mare, and takin’ turns rollin’ in horse manure. Eli
meanwhile has tried to side-straddle hop the fence and got his private parts
caught up in that fencin’! Elsie is laughing off her tail-feathers!!
This is one of them new-fangled electric type
fences that stretch! Eli has taken that
stretchability to an entirely new level. He’s got that fencin’
stretched entirely over everything
At first I assume he’s actually amusin’ hisself.
As my shock starts to wear off, I realize he’s in great pain. As any parent
would do, you try to save your loved one. Seems I just buried Rocky…
I ran up and grabbed Eli from the back by his
shoulders, I’m trying to free him from that electric fence. I found myself quite
motivated, being soaked to the
skin, while being full of adrenaline, on account of tryin’ to catch the perps.
All the while, tryin’ to save my pup from an electric fence.
Ol’ Smedley yells out, “What the Hell are you
doing to that dog out there on my fence Groinman! You
FREAK! Be out of here ‘afore I call
the Cops!! ‘Afore I turn up the VOLTAGE!!
Yes, an electrifyin’ experience, but it was time
to go home.
I had to get home before my wife Gloria entered
this mess. She’d be devastated.
The pups and myself entered the house knowin’ we’d
been had. The perps were long gone. I caught a glimpse of ourselve’s in the
mirror, Eli soaked to the bone, covered in mud, (sly grin on his face) me,
soaked to the bone, covered in some blended mixture, and Elsie, my sweetie
little girl, covered in Horse sheet…
I was thinkin’ about the three of us just hoppin’
in the shower and being done with it quick, that’s when I saw the phone. Next to
the phone was a little envelope with the name ‘Lee’ written across it. The
classic ‘Dear John’ letter, this time, addressed to a guy named Lee…
My wife, of all these seasons had left me, now,
unlike 20 minutes ago, I was really
We got married on a ‘bye’, delayed our Honeymoon
for a Rose Bowl trip, ya’ go 1-10 and nothin’ else matters….
I couldn’t get that damn Kenny Rodgers song out of
“Ya’ picked a fine time to leave me Gloria…
With two hungry puppies,
While season tickets are due…
Ya’ picked a fine time to leave me,
The months went by, and I found myself sorta’
manic, then depressant, I found myself with time to contemplate, and then time
I was often reflectin’ on how good frozen food had
become! While contemplatin’ on how much better my favorite beverage tasted in
the larger 16 oz. size…
I was becomin’ number by the day, I nearly titled
this story ‘Seattle Numbest Cop’ then thought, ‘what was I thinking’.
The months went by and I found myself in
Wenatchee, ya’ know the ‘Trial of The Century’! I was contemplatin’ on one of
those Wind Mill steaks, at 9:00 AM, when my cell blasts off!!
“Lee When CAN YOU GET HERE!!”
I wondered if the ‘Wind Mill’ had a drive thru,
but the best steaks in the world would have to be damned, I was needed
elsewhere, and sometimes a guy’s
gotta’ do what he’s gotta do…
I was home in less than 3 hours.
“Lee, Just hold me Lee, then be gone…”
A Wind Mill Steak sacrifice…
We’ll, we decided to have Chinese take out on
Thursdays at Gloria’s apartment. Then one Thursday she thought it’d be fun to
have dinner at ‘OUR’, house,
besides, she missed the pups.
“Lee” she says, “I know you’re all excited about
your new Quarterback, and with all the new expectations he brings, but I want to
tell you this, I want MY old
Quarterback back, with all his baggage and
Well, we finished the Chinese, and well fella’s,
she’s never left.
I was thinkin’ about a new career, that as a
marriage counselor, but then again, I had it easy.
Gloria was merely Demon possessed, simple child’s play…
So now we’re lookin’ at
Air Force! Rumor has that some of you
ain’t forkin’ out the bucks to take in the
A hundred years from now, you won’t even remember
that 30 bucks you saved!!
But let me TELL YOU THIS!!
remember NOT seein’
GLORIA SAID SO!!
DO YOU HEAR ME!!
DAWGS BY 11!!
MAKE IT 12!!
PS. Yeah, I gotta’ buy my tickets at the gate too…
Lee Groinman can be reached at