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This is Officer Lee Groinman.

That’s right, the disgruntled and the frustrated one...

You hear me, I hear you.

Yeah sure, ya’ betcha’! It does sound more like a re-fried bumper sticker out of the 70’s, but it stinks just the same....

“The Disgruntled and the Frustrated.

Sounds even more like a John Wayne Western that should have been made, but never was...

But for mercy sakes, we were talking about a bumper sticker here, now I’ve got John Wayne comin’ out of the grave and doin’ a movie he never did, and Halloween is still days away...

And Wayne, a usc alum and football player...

Well at least he never played in that sc marchin’ band for Jes’s sake!!

Like it’s been said, you just can’t spell “suck” with out sc...

But how I do digress, back to the bumper sticker.

All we need now is the weasel logo on that sticker and we’d have a fittin’ memorial to the Barbara Hedges Memorial-Retirement Fund.

I see a statue of Babs, maybe out there in center field, yeah, out there in the women’s softball field, somewhere out there where the sea gulls and crows and the like can do their bird stuff on it...

I told ya’ I was a bit frustrated.

Focus Groinman! Focus!!

Back on subject now.

The “magic” of a victory over just about anybody was so real I could smell and even taste it, more than once, as ya’ all know...

But not to be, not yet, er N’y’et as that Rusky, Breznecouff (sp) used to say.

It’s comin’ folks, it’s comin’!! Hang on for just awhile longer, just a bit longer. A wise feller’ once said the following. And you can quote me on this, dang straight.

“This too shall soon pass.

The sooner the better you wise feller...

But I gotta tell ya THIS DAWG FANS!!

I’ve found a supplement for all the frustration and the disgruntialation of this year, and maybe even for last years season, but let’s not get to carried away just yet...

But, I gotta tell ya’... this supplement, it don’t even come in a pill or a 16 oz can, no Sir.

Groinman here, well let’s just put it this way, Lee here has just recently lit up some of those doused out home-fires, ya’ know those kinda’ fires that after the years seam to cool off and dry out, you know what I’m talkin’ about.

A situation like this just leaves nothin’ else left behind but pent up frustrations, and yes, even passions left lying around, left lyin around here UNATTENDED!!”

So I did what any red-blooded man in my circumstance would do...

I washed up my ’93 Fire Engine Red Troy Bilt Roto-Tiller...The 8 Horse Power “Horse” model, back in ‘93 this was the “Top of the line” the most ass rippin’ tiller made!

Then I changed the oil, got on-line, and logged onto the Troy Bilt site. Now I find they’ got this new-fangled 10 HORSE POWER MODEL!!

Not to be out done and not wantin’ to pony up for a new tiller, I went to the numerous “Tiller Modification” sites.

Well, in no time at all, I had this high-tech carb, a fuel injected monster, a turbo-charged power inducer! Now it seems I needed an engine oil cooler as the engine ran hotter!!

Hotter that a spark plug named “Sparky” in Hades...

The next thing ya’ know I’m installin’ this oil cooler hose, similar to what you might place on to your family car if you happen to find yourself pulling heavy loads such as a trailer filled with your favorite cattle, horses, or even your family Malamutes...

Well heck, no need to stop here, I found on another site, this special muffler guaranteed to increase horsepower by at least 10%! It looked kinda’ like a mix between an ol’ Cherry-Bomb and a Glass-Pak modified muffler.

I had it shipped Fed Ex.

My Tiller had now become a real Blue-FLAMER.

Somehow, I found myself thinkin’ about Monster Trucks and Tractor Pulls...go figure..

What is it Fetters says? “If you can’t hear it before you see it, what’s the point?”

Yeah something like that...

Well just for fun, I welded on these razor-sharp 4-inch nails on the rear-tined tiller!!

My frustration, and my pressure relief valve had been found!!!

At long alas, Peace on Earth.....

Now it’s time to get down to some bidness..

I now have my own “Yard and Garden Home Destruction” money makin’ machine!!...

Groinman here, has found his niche...

My first client was this ol’ coot named “Grover”, he lives down in the lowlands, in river bottom country, and Grover, it seems, wanted his lawn ripped out.

“You got the cash and the grass,

I got the tiller, will remove both...”

Yeah, my slogan, it still needs some work...

I had Grover pegged as a coug, looked like a coug, talked like a coug. When I showed up to do the grass-rippin’ Grover’s walkin’ around in his backyard with nothin’ on but his long john undies with a pair of JC Penney briefs over the outside. Much like the song, these briefs have all holes in all the wrong places...

Then of course Grover’s got his this manly size wad of chewin’ tobacco in his chaw..

“Yer late there Groinman, why in my day, a real man never showed up late to any job, naw Sir! Now get yer carcass busy there Groinman, but first take a shot of this, it’ll take the chill off the mornin’...”

Seems ol’ Grover ran shine in the old days, and some habits die hard, real hard...

Well, when in Rome, do as the Romans...just don’t wear the crimson.

I was wearin’ my purple...

I ripped the stuffin’ out of Grover’s ass er’ grass. By the time I was finished, Grover had half his neighbors and most his family there watchin’ the “grass-destruction”.

Before I had the tiller loaded back onto my Dodge Ram truck, I had job offers from Ed, Lou, and Billy Ray. Coug fans fer sure...

Grover then handed me 5 crisp Twenty-dollar bills, wearin’ a purple Husky jacket!

Go figure!!

He then spit a wad of chewin’ sauce on my boot...

“I’ll call ya’ up in the spring there Groinman, then ya’ can till up my garden. Don’t be late!!”

Well in the past three weeks I’ve made 240 bucks roto-tillin’ gardens and rippin up ass and grass, while in the meantime the Husky’s have lost as many games. It really doesn’t make me feel any better, but tillin’ is a release of those frustrations, and besides, I never was much into feelins’


But hey! 240 BUCKS!!

Last week I got a phone call from my wife Gloria, she’s in a panic. Seems my female Malamute Elsie, was in need of an emergency hysterectomy! Infected uterus and all! Elsie’s life is in danger! She’ll die if the infection enters into her blood stream! Gloria can’t drive due to her health issues and I’m 150 miles away.

“What do we do Lee!!”

At that moment Gloria’s friend Karen walked into the house.

“Hi Gloria, just stopped by to say hi!

Yes Tyronne, there is a God...

Karen and Gloria managed to get Elsie into the back of the Jeep.

At the Vet’s, the attendant managed to get Elsie a happy shot into her left butt while she was still in the Jeep...

You see, Elsie was not in the mood...

Later that night when I got home, Gloria handed me the Vet bill. A mere 243 bucks! I looked down at Elsie, she’s layin’ out there on the floor, spread eagled, flat on her back with her belly shaved, she has this little 4-inch scar on her tummy, and her eyes are all glassed over, her tongue sprawled out across the floor...

High as a kite, stoned to the bone, my little girl, that Elsie....

Looking back at that 243-dollar bill, I yells out to Elsie.

“You owe me three BUCKS!!”

I better keep that roto-tiller tuned up...

But ya’ know...

I Gotta tell ya this!!

I’m feelin’ real good!

Despite the fact that I haven’t slept well since Lambo was president, er coach, but lately I gota tell ya’, hey! I’ve been treated to this wonderous premonition...

A hauntingly wonderful vision.

Is it possible for a Sun Devil to be demon possessed? Or is that just an oxy-moron?

No matter...


The misadventures of Lee Groinman are based on the mostly true life experiences of a real, diehard Dawg fan, who wishes he were the cop he pretends to be. The tall, lanky Norwegian, with a boundless sense of humor, loves tailgating before Husky games, bringing lutefisk and “Dawg Breath” chili to the party. Living in eastern Washington, he is devoted to his family and two Alaskan Malamutes, Eli and Elsie.

Lee Groinman can be reached at malamute@4malamute.com

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