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'Cuse me, ladies

 

This is Officer Lee Groinman,

 

That’s right, I’m the one with the fifty-dollar grin!

 

There was a time, somewhere back there before last Friday afternoon when I had completely given up on omens, superstitions, tea leaves and all of that other type of balderdash. But when some of that balderdash comes up and slaps ya’ right across your bald-ol’-ass you just better wake up and smell the tea leaves!

 

On our bike trip thru the Eastern Cascades, Jerry and me went down into the quaint and old town of Naches, we was just mindin’ our own business mind you, and while we was in that dumpy, but yet football friendly “Van’s Tavern.” I was given the omen to “bet the fifty” on the Syracuse game! It really was more like an order from some long dead, but somehow still alive Sergeant....

 

Sarge Ruthie! The ex-owner of Van’s now long gone, was giving me advise from beyond the grave.

 

“Syracuse is gonna’ lose, gonna’ lose.”

 

I think she still likes me....

 

Some of ya’ll now are wantin’ to learn more about them Harley Babes that seemed to be followin’ us all over tar-nation, them’s the one’s that finally cornered ol’ Jerry back in the back of Van’s, against his will or something to that effect, so he says...

 

Ya’ know it wasn’t so much that they messed with my helmet. It was my danged cell phone that I also got “lost” that got the wife Gloria so baked-up.

 

Cell phones, bad omen, bad, a no good kinda’ bad...

 

So I laid down the fifty dollar bet, scored like Jake, and now I’m out here livin’ in the garage while puttin’ down another layer of wax on the ol’ two-wheeled torque monster....

 

I sensed another ride coming, longed for just one more ride, one more chance, just one. Instead, I got an overwhelming sense of dread and doom, like a school boy on a late Labor Day afternoon, the end of summer was here.

 

And I was scheduled to work that Syracuse Game Day Afternoon...

 

It was purely a case of Groinman here doing his own thinkin’. When I first heard that the ‘cuse game was gonna be put on ESPN, I got all Jaked up! I just went straight to the conclusion that it was gonna be the ESPN THURSDAY night game!

 

My DAY OFF!

 

Yes a brain, what a terrible thing to waste...

 

But your mind ya’ see is a very powerful muscle. Mine was telling me that all would be okay. The game was on the road and with the time difference I would be able to record the dang thing and just miss the first few hours of the Jack Locker era!

 

So it’s game day and I’m starting to get ready for work. As I’m polishing up my boots I feel my stomach start to churn, acid that’s it! A Rolaids moment. I start to cough. Was that blood I was coughing up? It’s getting warm in here. I’m starting to sweat. Is this a fever?

 

The mind, the brain, they sometimes gang up on you. Mine are tellin’ me that I’ve got about 200 sick days built up.

 

 “Remember that week when you were sick and you went in everyday!!”

 

It was the classic debate between right and wrong. Ya’ got the little devil on your right shoulder tellin’ you to go ahead, call in sick, you deserve it, bla, bla, bla. Then ya’ got the little Angel on your left shoulder tellin’ ya’ to stand up and do right.

 

I’m mostly deaf in my left ear...

 

So I decide to pull the trigger. I’m walking to the phone. I gotta call in directly to the Sergeants office to call in sick. You see, ya’ don’t ever want to be in the Sarge’s office. The last thing you ever want to hear over your radio is your own ID number followed by the command...

 

 “Call the Sergeant’s office!” No Sir! Now my stomach is all worked up, I need a trip to the head, I need to make this call. Now I am sick...

 

The mind, what a tool...

 

“Oh sarge, I feel terrible, the sweats, the rotten stomach, the aches, something is wrong with my eyes, I can’t see myself comin’ in.”

 

With the dirty deed done, I had the day OFF! But what a guilt trip...

 

I had just less than an hour before kick-off. I needed to replace some of that lost body fluid, why with all that sweatin’ and what not. I go to the fridge and find nuthin’ to drink. So I hop on the bike and take the long way down to the local “Slurp-n-Burp”. I picked up some liquid supplies and I still had some time for some joy riding!

 

What a way to get all Jaked up for a game! The road before my house takes this dip thru a deep gorge. I like to grab a bit of throttle here, just to stoke the bike up to about 80 or so. Then back it off a bit and let her coast up the hill. After the hill you can downshift and bank it into the gravel driveway and then take her up to the house. I can end up in the garage without even touchin’ the brakes.

 

As I turn to close the garage door, I see the County Sheriff is paying me a visit. He’s got his roller’s on and is parked beside a strange car in my driveway. I’m standing there in my black leathers with a six-pack in one hand and my helmet in the other.

 

“Lee, what the HELL? That was some fancy bit of riding back there! You gonna tell me that your wife is having a baby, or your dog’s are sick and that you needed to go make a staple run or something?”

 

“Or is it your mother, your mother okay there Lee?”

 

“Nah Chuck, it’s just about kick-off and were about to miss it!”

 

“Kick-Off! It’s Friday, not Saturday! You maroon!”

 

“I had the same problem Chuck, I thought the game was on Thursday!”

 

“Thursday?”

 

“Come on Chuck, we’ll miss kick-off!”

 

“Well I am due for a chow break...”

 

So we ran into the house, I slid across the living room floor, six-pack in hand, and hit the ‘on’ button to the TV remote. PERFECT!!

 

“Hellooooo Ladies!” Seems the ladies from the local Church had decided to pay the wife Gloria a little home visitation!  This would explain the strange car in the driveway.

 

“Can I uh, get ya’ somethin.”

 

“No thank you Lee, we were just leaving, Right Ladies? See you in Church this Sunday Lee?”

 

So with that, the local Church Ladies stood at attention and marched out the door. I can still see them gawking at my six-pack. You’d a thought that the devil hisself was standin’ there in front of that TV with the remote in his hand...

 

There’s something in the Bible about “Makin’ sure that your sins find you out”. So far I’m doing pretty good here...

 

I hit the power button on the TV remote, the TV flicked on. Somehow I just knew I’d see the ol’ Flip Wilson screamin’

 

“The Devil Made Me Do It!!”

 

Well Chuck and me watched the kick-off. Sheriff Chuck left a few minutes later to go finish his shift. I couldn’t help but think that if I would’ve had one of those scholars from the Washington State Patrol sitting in my driveway with his rollers on instead of Sheriff Chuck, that hey, guess what?

 

I’d be sittin’ in my own jail...Groinman and the State Patrol, bad, a not good kinda’ bad...

 

So Groinman here, unlike Willingham, was very plussed about the debut of the ’07 Huskies and Jake Locker. Mountlake Jake, Jake of Nazareth, whatever...

 

Common football knowledge will tell you that it takes quite some time for a new college quarterback to get used to the speed of the game.

 

Now let me tell you this!! It’s gonna take college football quite some time to get used to the speed of Jake Locker’s GAME!!

 

That’s Right!!

 

I gotta tell ya’. I got so Jaked up over that Syracuse game, that hell, I’ve watched that damn tape now four times! Speakin’ of that ‘cuse game, it seems I did have some hell to pay...

 

Both my dawgs, my Malamutes, Eli and Elsie went upstairs and got real sick, up on our loft’s carpet. Right after KICK-OFF! We got this nice red (not crimson) carpet up there in the loft, got it on sale at Home Depot. Eli and Elsie nearly destroyed it. Holey Crapes! This mess needed more than the ol’ Hoover steam-cleaner, hell this stuff had to be buried....

 

I think they ate the neighbor’s cougar....

 

Something about “Making sure your sins find you out...” So far, I’m doing pretty good here....

 

That’s Right! So now it’s on to the long awaited home season opener with Boise State! Classic match up that will go Jake’s way. The Dawgs will control both lines of scrimmage and our big play guys will continue to make the big plays and make more of them than the “Smurfs of Boise.” The Dawgs will be ridin’ a two-game road winning streak into Husky Stadium. That’s a 297day winnin’ streak!

 

DAWGS, DAWGS, and more DAWGS!!!

 

Dawg victory laps will wear out the Boise State Mule!

 

I’m seeing Bronco Burgers on the grill with both homegrown tomatoes and watermelons on the side. I used to use this magic formula that I had for predicting how many wins the Dawgs would get. The number of watermelons grown would be equal to the number of Dawg wins. This year I only got 4 watermelons.

 

Time to get another magic formula...

 

Yup, it’s game TWO Dawg fans. Now go get your helmet and strap it on TIGHT!!

 

It’s gonna be a long and sweet ride!!

 

DO YOU HEAR ME??

 

I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!!!

 

GO DAWGS!!!

 

Bet another fifty...

 

 

 

Malamute can be reached at malamute@4malamute.com

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