This is Officer Lee Groinman,
That’s right, I’m the one with the fifty-dollar
was a time, somewhere back there before last Friday afternoon when I
had completely given up on omens, superstitions, tea leaves and all
of that other type of balderdash. But when some of that balderdash
comes up and slaps ya’ right across your bald-ol’-ass you just
better wake up and smell the tea leaves!
On our bike trip thru the Eastern Cascades, Jerry
and me went down into the quaint and old town of Naches, we was just
mindin’ our own business mind you, and while we
was in that dumpy, but yet football friendly “Van’s Tavern.”
I was given the omen to “bet the fifty” on the Syracuse game!
It really was more like an order from some long dead, but
somehow still alive Sergeant....
Sarge Ruthie! The ex-owner of Van’s now long
gone, was giving me advise from beyond the grave.
“Syracuse is gonna’ lose, gonna’ lose.”
I think she still likes me....
Some of ya’ll now are wantin’ to learn more about
them Harley Babes that seemed to be followin’ us all over
tar-nation, them’s the one’s that finally cornered ol’ Jerry back in
the back of Van’s, against his will or something to that effect, so
Ya’ know it wasn’t so much that they messed with
my helmet. It was my danged cell phone that I also got “lost”
that got the wife Gloria so baked-up.
Cell phones, bad omen, bad, a no good kinda’
So I laid down the fifty dollar bet, scored like
Jake, and now I’m out here livin’ in the garage while puttin’ down
another layer of wax on the ol’ two-wheeled torque monster....
I sensed another ride coming, longed for just one
more ride, one more chance, just one. Instead, I got
an overwhelming sense of dread and doom, like a school boy on a late
Labor Day afternoon, the end of summer was here.
And I was scheduled to work that Syracuse Game
It was purely a case of Groinman here doing his
own thinkin’. When I first heard that the ‘cuse game was gonna be
put on ESPN, I got all Jaked up! I just went straight to the
conclusion that it was gonna be the ESPN THURSDAY night game!
My DAY OFF!
Yes a brain, what a terrible thing to waste...
But your mind ya’ see is a very powerful muscle.
Mine was telling me that all would be okay. The game was on the road
and with the time difference I would be able to record the dang
thing and just miss the first few hours of the Jack Locker era!
So it’s game day and I’m starting to get ready
for work. As I’m polishing up my boots I feel my stomach start to
churn, acid that’s it! A Rolaids moment. I start to cough. Was that
blood I was coughing up? It’s getting warm in here. I’m starting to
sweat. Is this a fever?
The mind, the brain, they sometimes
gang up on you. Mine are tellin’ me that I’ve got about 200 sick
days built up.
“Remember that week when you were sick and
you went in everyday!!”
It was the classic debate between right and
wrong. Ya’ got the little devil on your right shoulder tellin’ you
to go ahead, call in sick, you deserve it, bla, bla, bla. Then ya’
got the little Angel on your left shoulder tellin’ ya’ to stand up
and do right.
I’m mostly deaf in my left ear...
So I decide to pull the trigger. I’m walking to
the phone. I gotta call in directly to the Sergeants office to call
in sick. You see, ya’ don’t ever want to be in the Sarge’s office.
The last thing you ever want to hear over your radio is your own ID
number followed by the command...
“Call the Sergeant’s office!” No Sir! Now my
stomach is all worked up, I need a trip to the head, I need to make
this call. Now I am sick...
The mind, what a tool...
“Oh sarge, I feel terrible, the sweats, the
rotten stomach, the aches, something is wrong with my eyes, I can’t
see myself comin’ in.”
With the dirty deed done, I had the day OFF!
But what a guilt trip...
I had just less than an hour before kick-off. I
needed to replace some of that lost body fluid, why with all that
sweatin’ and what not. I go to the fridge and find nuthin’ to drink.
So I hop on the bike and take the long way down to the local “Slurp-n-Burp”.
I picked up some liquid supplies and I still had some time for some
What a way to get all Jaked up for a game! The
road before my house takes this dip thru a deep gorge. I like to
grab a bit of throttle here, just to stoke the bike up to about 80
or so. Then back it off a bit and let her coast up the hill. After
the hill you can downshift and bank it into the gravel driveway and
then take her up to the house. I can end up in the garage without
even touchin’ the brakes.
I turn to close the garage door, I see the County Sheriff is paying
me a visit. He’s got his roller’s on and is parked beside a
strange car in my driveway. I’m standing there in my black leathers
with a six-pack in one hand and my helmet in the other.
“Lee, what the HELL? That was some fancy
bit of riding back there! You gonna tell me that your wife is having
a baby, or your dog’s are sick and that you needed to go make a
staple run or something?”
“Or is it your mother, your mother okay there
“Nah Chuck, it’s just about kick-off and were
about to miss it!”
“Kick-Off! It’s Friday, not Saturday! You
“I had the same problem Chuck, I thought the game
was on Thursday!”
“Come on Chuck, we’ll miss kick-off!”
“Well I am due for a chow break...”
So we ran into the house, I slid across the
living room floor, six-pack in hand, and hit the ‘on’ button to the
TV remote. PERFECT!!
“Hellooooo Ladies!” Seems the ladies from the
local Church had decided to pay the wife Gloria a little home
visitation! This would explain the strange car in the driveway.
“Can I uh, get ya’ somethin.”
“No thank you Lee, we were just leaving, Right
Ladies? See you in Church this Sunday Lee?”
So with that, the local Church Ladies stood at
attention and marched out the door. I can still see them gawking at
my six-pack. You’d a thought that the devil hisself was standin’
there in front of that TV with the remote in his hand...
There’s something in the Bible about “Makin’ sure
that your sins find you out”. So far I’m doing pretty good here...
I hit the power button on the TV remote, the TV
flicked on. Somehow I just knew I’d see the ol’ Flip Wilson screamin’
“The Devil Made Me Do It!!”
Well Chuck and me watched the kick-off. Sheriff
Chuck left a few minutes later to go finish his shift. I couldn’t
help but think that if I would’ve had one of those scholars
from the Washington State Patrol sitting in my driveway with his
rollers on instead of Sheriff Chuck, that hey, guess what?
I’d be sittin’ in my own jail...Groinman and the
State Patrol, bad, a not good kinda’ bad...
So Groinman here, unlike Willingham, was very
plussed about the debut of the ’07 Huskies and Jake Locker.
Mountlake Jake, Jake of Nazareth, whatever...
Common football knowledge will tell you
that it takes quite some time for a new college quarterback to get
used to the speed of the game.
Now let me tell you this!! It’s gonna take
college football quite some time to get used to the speed of Jake
I gotta tell ya’. I got so Jaked up over that
Syracuse game, that hell, I’ve watched that damn tape now four
times! Speakin’ of that ‘cuse game, it seems I did have some hell to
Both my dawgs, my Malamutes, Eli and Elsie went
upstairs and got real sick, up on our loft’s carpet. Right
after KICK-OFF! We got this nice red (not crimson) carpet up
there in the loft, got it on sale at Home Depot. Eli and Elsie
nearly destroyed it. Holey Crapes! This mess needed more than the ol’
Hoover steam-cleaner, hell this stuff had to be buried....
I think they ate the neighbor’s cougar....
Something about “Making sure your sins find you
out...” So far, I’m doing pretty good here....
That’s Right! So now it’s on to the
long awaited home season opener with Boise State! Classic match up
that will go Jake’s way. The Dawgs will control both lines of
scrimmage and our big play guys will continue to make the big plays
and make more of them than the “Smurfs of Boise.” The Dawgs will be
ridin’ a two-game road winning streak into Husky Stadium. That’s a
297day winnin’ streak!
DAWGS, DAWGS, and more DAWGS!!!
Dawg victory laps will wear out the Boise State
I’m seeing Bronco Burgers on the grill with both
homegrown tomatoes and watermelons on the side. I used to use this
magic formula that I had for predicting how many wins the Dawgs
would get. The number of watermelons grown would be equal to the
number of Dawg wins. This year I only got 4 watermelons.
Time to get another magic formula...
Yup, it’s game TWO Dawg fans. Now go get
your helmet and strap it on TIGHT!!
It’s gonna be a long and sweet
DO YOU HEAR ME??
I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!!!
Bet another fifty...