This is Officer Lee
Coming back to Earth is
just so over rated...
There was once this old
comic who felt a bit out-of-place. And it beats the snot out of
me to try and remember his name, but he made this comment on the
Johnnie Carson show back some where’s in the eighties, he said
“Felt like a brown pair
of shoes at a Tuxedo Convention...”
I was feeling just
exactly like those brown shoes at the OSU game last week while
tail-gaitin’ in the Dawg House parking lot.
And I wear black, black
boots mind you, got ‘em at the “Pay-Less Shoes” store
Set me back 29 bucks.
With no Nike “swoosh” to stink up the deal...
The “Dr. Shoal’s”
inserts were another 2.99. But it was one of them “buy one get
one free” deals. And Groinman here knows a deal when he smells
But Lord Have Mercy!!
This ain’t no advertisin’ campaign!
No Sir! It was my time
to drive to the Dawg House for the OSU game as Deputy Mikey had
drove over for the Boise State Pony’s game last week.
I would now kinda’ like
to apologize to those Boise State fans, I misspoke when I called
ya’ll a bunch of “phonies”. Phony-pony whatever, hey I had a
Good luck to those Boise
State fans, a class act...
So now Deputy Mikey and
new love Gayle shows up to my house at again at around
O-dark-thirty, this time they’re early as Gayle hadn’t slept all
night, she’d played the “Husky Fight” song on their CD player at
about mid-night and just couldn’t quite simmer down.
Gayle was still in her
Husky “Cheer-leader” outfit and Mikey was looking like last
The dude was complete
Gayle looks somewhat
queasy, she asks Mikey.
“We’re going in this?”
“That’s right Gayle,
this is “Big Red”. Not to be confused with “Big Blue” of the
former years, you know, the old ‘Paddy Wagon’ that Lee used to
“Why Gayle, both me and
Lee has both now matured somewhat, why we both now sport
“Oh Mikey, I don’t know,
I don’t know what them
two are all fussin’ about, hell, I didn’t even know that Gayle
owned a Husky Cheer-leadin’ outfit...A throw back to the 1960
deal I suppose...
And Big Red just got new
tires, set me back another 764 clams, gotta get another twenty
years out of Big Red....
“Say Gayle, relax gal, I
picked this ol’ truck up from a guy I’ve knowed for a very long
time, a Preacher Man, why this truck is a blessed truck, he may
sounds a bit like a possessed truck on account of his
tail pipe and his diesel motor and what all, but this truck will
rock the very ground you’re standin’ on!!”
Now Big Red will never
win any beauty contest, why the paint is thin in places, he has
a dent or two, I’ve got a couple of grease guns in the back,
plus two quarts of oil, some wrenches and a stump grinder near
the tail, but he still has less than 149 thousand original miles
on him! Heck, this truck has been prayed over! I
got him real cheap from a Preacher Man that I’ve knowed for a
very long time!
My Dad, the Reverend
Big Red ain’t leavin’
this here family at any time in any foreseeable future...
“I do believe this here
Big Red truck can both Marry and bury there Gayle...”
Gayle looked at me like
I was some sort of crazed Cave Man.
“It’s so easy, the
former owner can do it. My Dad, Paps Groinman is running a
“parkin’ lot-tail-gaitin’ Marriage Special”, $9.99 runs thru the
end of the season...
We could make Big Red’s
pick up bed the altar, add some steps and invite 50,000 of your
favorite friends! Maybe some of them from the Boise area, they
could lead a line dance to die FOR!!
I’ll remove the stump
grinder at no additional cost...
If looks could kill...
So our tailgate is in
full steam. We had arrived in E-1 about 9:30 am. Now I know that
we have an uncanny resemblance to the “Beverly Hill Billy’s” but
what the heck! We had been placed right next to the fire lane
and had the opportunity to heckle every car and rig that came
into the lot. A Groinman dream come true....
“You’re late! Who’s
driving? Is that your WIFE?”
“Any spare change there
You see it was like
being at a Las Vegas car show. One after another these
fantabulous rigs kept cruisin’ by. A Mercedes, A Cadillac
Escalade, A BMW, a Toyota Four Runner, a Lexus, a Hummer,
another Hummer, here’s a Jaguar, a Dodge Viper, three or four
Vette’s, some new Harley’s parked in with the motor-homes.
Nothing was more than a year old!
There had to be about a
butt-zillion dollars worth of rigs in that parkin’ lot...
Now here’s the rub...We
all like ‘Andy’s Meandering’s’ on the message boards, now meet
Nearly all of them
folks, dressed all fancy like they was, nearly none of them
folks could afford to spoil themselves into wearing a
I mean they all looked
like they just stepped out of some Nordstrom’s or Eddie Bauer
catalogue, and they all had those pricey dream cars. All those
rigs cost more than my first house....
But then again, you
never saw my first house....
But I felt so sad for
them. For with all the trimmin’s of life they had, all their
indulgencies, my, that’s a big word for me...all their
They still couldn’t
afford a Purple Husky shirt....
You can get ‘em at
Freddie Meyer’s for about 12 bucks, no buy one get one free
deals, but close enough...
Maybe we could start a
campaign, you know like we do at Thanksgivin’ time, when we all
bring a can of food for the hungry.
Maybe we can bring an
old used purple shirt so the rich people will know what to wear.
Just toss ’em into those
barrels over there, that’s right, the ones next to the guy who
looks an awful like Todd Turner, that’s right, the guy over
there ringing the black bell...
Is he wearing a
Leprechaun suit or what??
I got home after the
Ohio State game and flicked the TV on to the cougar game.
Everyone was in crimson, except for the Vandals. While at Husky
Stadium we’re all decked out in blue, tan, purple, gold, gray,
green, black. We look like we put on whatever was in the dryer
on game day.
I’m lookin’ at a framed
photo that I have of Husky Stadium. It was taken on September 5th,
1987. That’s the day we dedicated the new upper deck in front of
73,676 purple clad fans. I’m the one in the upper left hand
corner in the purple shirt...We beat Stanford that day 31-21.
Get on the purple shirts Dawg fans. Spread the word.
Well I was about as
deflated after last weeks OSU loss as any other loss that I can
remember, outside of those Rose Bowl eliminating losses to the
Those losses were
coma-inducers, the kinda’ losses, that lead to the “I don’t
wanna’ get outta’ bed till next week” type of losses, this time
it’s a different deal. Trust me...
Now I don’t go for the
“silver-lining” crap. The C-W-S syndrome, coulda’ woulda’
shouda’. It was still a loss. A hundred years from now it will
still be a loss. But this loss did not have the “sting-of-death”
to it that so many have had. While this game hurt, this loss was
The Lord do work in
mysterious ways, and that is a fact. I was gonna lay down all my
winnings from the 2-0 Dawg start and place them all on the Ohio
I couldn’t get a hold of
my bookie “Little Timmy” in Reno to save my life, kinda’ like
Vince Weathersby trying to get to the corner in the 1985 Apple
But we’re not gonna talk
about that now...
Now it’s on to ucla, who
as we all know got their sun-tanned fannies handed to them by
Utah. The Bruins will be lead by back-up Quarterback Pat Cowan,
son of former Husky Quarterback Tim Cowan.
I was once at a
conference, a self-motivational gig, where the invited speaker
was none other than former Husky Quarterback Tim Cowan, actually
I was working security, traffic, plus crowd and litter control.
Cowan got up and observed the crowd and replied.
“I feel like a brown
pair of shoes at a Tuxedo Convention...”
I think Cowan was in a
pair of “Pay-Less-Shoes”. Black boots as I recall...
But now let me tell you
I’m not going for any of
Type sort of bull crap...
tealeaves, just take a powdered-blue HIKE!!
I just want to see Cowan
Senior tell Cowan Junior after game...
“BOY, I TOLD YOU TO
BE A DAWG!! BUT YOU JUST WOULDN’T LISTEN!!”
WOULD YA’ BOY, YOU
JUST WOULDN’T LISTEN!!
YOU LISTENING BOY!!”
DO YOU HEAR ME!!!
“CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?
Dawgs extend their
winning streak to two over the bruins. The point spread?
WE Don’t need no
stinkin’ POINT SPREADS!!
There may come a day
when I have nothing to say
But there will never
come a day when I quit saying it...
Officer Lee Groinman,