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Groinman's Parkin' lot special

This is Officer Lee Groinman,

Coming back to Earth is just so over rated...

There was once this old comic who felt a bit out-of-place. And it beats the snot out of me to try and remember his name, but he made this comment on the Johnnie Carson show back some where’s in the eighties, he said that he,

 “Felt like a brown pair of shoes at a Tuxedo Convention...”

I was feeling just exactly like those brown shoes at the OSU game last week while tail-gaitin’ in the Dawg House parking lot.

And I wear black, black boots mind you, got ‘em at the “Pay-Less Shoes” store 

Set me back 29 bucks. With no Nike “swoosh” to stink up the deal...

The “Dr. Shoal’s” inserts were another 2.99. But it was one of them “buy one get one free” deals. And Groinman here knows a deal when he smells one...

But Lord Have Mercy!! This ain’t no advertisin’ campaign!

No Sir! It was my time to drive to the Dawg House for the OSU game as Deputy Mikey had drove over for the Boise State Pony’s game last week.

I would now kinda’ like to apologize to those Boise State fans, I misspoke when I called ya’ll a bunch of “phonies”. Phony-pony whatever, hey I had a designated driver....

Good luck to those Boise State fans, a class act...

So now Deputy Mikey and new love Gayle shows up to my house at again at around O-dark-thirty, this time they’re early as Gayle hadn’t slept all night, she’d played the “Husky Fight” song on their CD player at about mid-night and just couldn’t quite simmer down.

Gayle was still in her Husky “Cheer-leader” outfit and Mikey was looking like last weeks spaghetti.

 The dude was complete sauce.

Gayle looks somewhat queasy, she asks Mikey.

“We’re going in this?”

“That’s right Gayle, this is “Big Red”. Not to be confused with “Big Blue” of the former years, you know, the old ‘Paddy Wagon’ that Lee used to drive...”

“Why Gayle, both me and Lee has both now matured somewhat, why we both now sport gray-hairs...”

“Oh Mikey, I don’t know, I’m scared!!”

I don’t know what them two are all fussin’ about, hell, I didn’t even know that Gayle owned a Husky Cheer-leadin’ outfit...A throw back to the 1960 deal I suppose...

And Big Red just got new tires, set me back another 764 clams, gotta get another twenty years out of Big Red....

“Say Gayle, relax gal, I picked this ol’ truck up from a guy I’ve knowed for a very long time, a Preacher Man, why this truck is a blessed truck, he may sounds a bit like a possessed truck on account of his tail pipe and his diesel motor and what all, but this truck will rock the very ground you’re standin’ on!!”

Now Big Red will never win any beauty contest, why the paint is thin in places, he has a dent or two, I’ve got a couple of grease guns in the back, plus two quarts of oil, some wrenches and a stump grinder near the tail, but he still has less than 149 thousand original miles on him! Heck, this truck has been prayed over! I got him real cheap from a Preacher Man that I’ve knowed for a very long time!

My Dad, the Reverend Paps Groinman...

Big Red ain’t leavin’ this here family at any time in any foreseeable future...

“I do believe this here Big Red truck can both Marry and bury there Gayle...”

Gayle looked at me like I was some sort of crazed Cave Man.

“It’s so easy, the former owner can do it. My Dad, Paps Groinman is running a “parkin’ lot-tail-gaitin’ Marriage Special”, $9.99 runs thru the end of the season...

We could make Big Red’s pick up bed the altar, add some steps and invite 50,000 of your favorite friends! Maybe some of them from the Boise area, they could lead a line dance to die FOR!!

I’ll remove the stump grinder at no additional cost...

If looks could kill...

So our tailgate is in full steam. We had arrived in E-1 about 9:30 am. Now I know that we have an uncanny resemblance to the “Beverly Hill Billy’s” but what the heck! We had been placed right next to the fire lane and had the opportunity to heckle every car and rig that came into the lot. A Groinman dream come true....

“You’re late! Who’s driving? Is that your WIFE?”

“Any spare change there Bud?”

You see it was like being at a Las Vegas car show. One after another these fantabulous rigs kept cruisin’ by. A Mercedes, A Cadillac Escalade, A BMW, a Toyota Four Runner, a Lexus, a Hummer, another Hummer, here’s a Jaguar, a Dodge Viper, three or four Vette’s, some new Harley’s parked in with the motor-homes. Nothing was more than a year old!

There had to be about a butt-zillion dollars worth of rigs in that parkin’ lot...

Now here’s the rub...We all like ‘Andy’s Meandering’s’ on the message boards, now meet ‘Groinman’ Grumbling’s’.

Nearly all of them folks, dressed all fancy like they was, nearly none of them folks could afford to spoil themselves into wearing a purple shirt!

I mean they all looked like they just stepped out of some Nordstrom’s or Eddie Bauer catalogue, and they all had those pricey dream cars. All those rigs cost more than my first house....

But then again, you never saw my first house....

But I felt so sad for them. For with all the trimmin’s of life they had, all their indulgencies, my, that’s a big word for me...all their excesses...

They still couldn’t afford a Purple Husky shirt....

You can get ‘em at Freddie Meyer’s for about 12 bucks, no buy one get one free deals, but close enough...

Maybe we could start a campaign, you know like we do at Thanksgivin’ time, when we all bring a can of food for the hungry.

Maybe we can bring an old used purple shirt so the rich people will know what to wear.

Just toss ’em into those barrels over there, that’s right, the ones next to the guy who looks an awful like Todd Turner, that’s right, the guy over there ringing the black bell...

Is he wearing a Leprechaun suit or what??

I got home after the Ohio State game and flicked the TV on to the cougar game. Everyone was in crimson, except for the Vandals. While at Husky Stadium we’re all decked out in blue, tan, purple, gold, gray, green, black. We look like we put on whatever was in the dryer on game day.

I’m lookin’ at a framed photo that I have of Husky Stadium. It was taken on September 5th, 1987. That’s the day we dedicated the new upper deck in front of 73,676 purple clad fans. I’m the one in the upper left hand corner in the purple shirt...We beat Stanford that day 31-21. Get on the purple shirts Dawg fans. Spread the word.

Well I was about as deflated after last weeks OSU loss as any other loss that I can remember, outside of those Rose Bowl eliminating losses to the cougs.

Those losses were coma-inducers, the kinda’ losses, that lead to the “I don’t wanna’ get outta’ bed till next week” type of losses, this time it’s a different deal. Trust me...

Now I don’t go for the “silver-lining” crap. The C-W-S syndrome, coulda’ woulda’ shouda’. It was still a loss. A hundred years from now it will still be a loss. But this loss did not have the “sting-of-death” to it that so many have had. While this game hurt, this loss was not fatal.


The Lord do work in mysterious ways, and that is a fact. I was gonna lay down all my winnings from the 2-0 Dawg start and place them all on the Ohio State game...

I couldn’t get a hold of my bookie “Little Timmy” in Reno to save my life, kinda’ like Vince Weathersby trying to get to the corner in the 1985 Apple Cup...

But we’re not gonna talk about that now...

Now it’s on to ucla, who as we all know got their sun-tanned fannies handed to them by Utah. The Bruins will be lead by back-up Quarterback Pat Cowan, son of former Husky Quarterback Tim Cowan.

I was once at a conference, a self-motivational gig, where the invited speaker was none other than former Husky Quarterback Tim Cowan, actually I was working security, traffic, plus crowd and litter control. Cowan got up and observed the crowd and replied.

“I feel like a brown pair of shoes at a Tuxedo Convention...”

I think Cowan was in a pair of “Pay-Less-Shoes”. Black boots as I recall...

But now let me tell you this....

I’m not going for any of that “Father-Son-Happy-Ironic-Make-You-Feel-Good-Made-For-TV” Type sort of bull crap...

Omens, premonitions, tealeaves, just take a powdered-blue HIKE!!

I just want to see Cowan Senior tell Cowan Junior after game...






Dawgs extend their winning streak to two over the bruins. The point spread?

WE Don’t need no stinkin’ POINT SPREADS!!

There may come a day when I have nothing to say

But there will never come a day when I quit saying it...

Officer Lee Groinman, 9-21-2007




Malamute can be reached at malamute@4malamute.com

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