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Jail House Wet Meat Sandwiches

This is Officer Lee Groinman.

There maybe one thing we can all agree on. It just don’t get much worse than this. Some of us just might be in different stages of angst than some of our other cooler more level headed and mature fans such as myself...

Other fans maybe experiencing that modern day phenom known as spontaneous combustion, coming soon to a Husky fan near you!

Well one very smart feller once said.  “This too shall soon pass.” Then again the Late Richard Pryor, while addressing the congregation of  “The Church of the What Be Happening Now” once asked. “How Long. How long can this Bull-creep go on? How Long??”

Yes, there you have it folks. How long? I want to say that this fear of winning period came to an end against Arizona. The realist in me is not so sure. These Washington Momentum Dodgers just bamboozle me to death. I think every which way to lose a game has been discovered and honed to a fine art by our Husky boys. Well come to think of it, we haven’t been beat by a two-point safety, yet...

Yup, this has been like a bad made-for-TV movie. You would have to follow a script to lose like this. Maybe now is the hokey part where some much-maligned Defensive Coordinator makes a win-one-for-the-Gipper type speech and these Dawgs come up with five turnovers to match the offense’s five turnovers, at least we’d have a draw here, giving Perkins a shot for a game winning field goal.

Could happen...

Stanford, dang, the last time I was at Stanford was the tragic game where we lost Curtis Williams, but came back on the heroics of Tui to win that bizarre game in the steady and cold Stanford rain. How times have changed, today we would find a way to give up the 17 points in the final nine minutes, then ask ourselves why? Or maybe. HOW LONG??

The other day at work I thought I’d pull a little trivia question on my buddy Earl, the total sports geek. The wager would be Saturdays chow, our pre-game meal, Jail-House Wet Meat Sandwiches. Earl can never refuse them Wet Meat Sandwiches....

“Say Earl, who was the Defensive Coordinator for Stanford when Tui brought the Dawgs back in the rain for the big win in the fourth quarter?”

 “You mean the Curtis Williams game?”

“Yup, that game.”

“I dunno, I hate Stanford!”

“Kent Baer.”

“Groinman, I just may kill you...”

Ya’ know. I hate to play the blame game, but let’s get something fixed. I’m not blaming Willingham, not too much anyway, but if Baer was gone next week I wouldn’t let the screen door slam him in the ass, not too hard anyway, not hard enough to draw blood...

We’re givin’ up yards in chunks. Why not bring a blitz package every full moon or so. It’s gotten to the point where opposing offensive coordinators take the week off when preparing for the Dawgs. Just bring in a “dink and dunk” passing package, throw in a run every fifth or sixth play and put up a touchdown.

Then repeat at will...

I’m tryin’ not to be so bitter, but dammit, I paid $3.52 for a gallon of diesel yesterday, and that was a bargain, and I burn a bunch of diesel for every home game, and I also burn a vacation day as I work Saturdays. For all that burnin’ I just get tired of comin’ home, on the return trip all burned up.

I suppose I’m one of the luckier ones I guess. You see at work we have these programs for the inmates. We have Life-Stressor programs, we have life-skills programs, we have Anger Management programs, we have Alcoholic Anonymous programs, we have Purpose-Driven life programs. We have just about every type of self-help program there is!

I just might have to set in on a couple of them programs, take your pick. Maybe me and Earl could start up a “Husky-Fan” therapy program. We could get overtime!

Yeah this team just seems to be in a funk. I’ve been playin’ some funk lately, might just help the dawgs, couldn’t hurt, kinda’ like a blitz package, yeah some Grand Funk Railroad. Mainly the old classic “Mark, Don and Mel” album featuring “Inside Looking Out.” It’s kinda’ how I feel, and if things don’t turn around soon, “Inside Looking Out” will be our dawgs in the dog house.

Speaking of music, now I’ve always been a big Bob Seagar fan, I’ve seen him in concert three times, and he doesn’t tour like he used to. But I had to email Todd Turner the other day on this rumor about Bob Seagar doing the half-time show during the Apple Cup. Now Bob commands big bucks for his shows and It’ll drive me into one of our jail-house programs if Bob Seagar comes out during the Apple Cup and belts out this threesome, “I Feel Like a Number”  “Against the Wind” and then for the Grand Finale “Beautiful Loser.” Yeah I can hear ol’ Bob now...

“Yeah ya’ just don’t need it all, ya’ just don’t need it all...

Don’t need it all...”

HOW ‘BOUT JUST A LITTLE BOB?

LIKE A WIN AGAINST STANFORD??

IS THAT ASKING TOO MUCH!!

JUST ONE STINKIN’ WIN NOW!!

Oh good DAWG almighty! I may as well just enter my sorry ass in one of them programs right NOW! Take your pick Dawgs! Name your poison...

Groinman’s tip of the week: In my attempt to right what’s wrong, I have made the biggest and baddest batch of Washington Dawg Breath Chili ever seen by man. Come Saturday around game time, I’m gonna set this huge black kettle of chili next to the ol’ TV. I’m gonna run around the house seven times, just could be naked.... gonna grind up some onions and cheese, stir that chili up with some greasy garlic bread, then I’m gonna light up seven candles next to the kettle, stave off evil football-spirits and spontaneous combustions that way...

What say you Kent Baer? Got any better and brighter ideas?

GO DAWGS!!

DO YOU HEAR ME!!

 

Malamute can be reached at malamute@4malamute.com

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