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Groinman's resume for AD

This is Officer Lee Groinman.

These are the days my friends! Yep, it sure is great to be a DAWG!!

Why, I haven’t been this amped up for all things Dawg since I took my bike ride last summer over Chinook pass. The one when I ended up at “Van’s 1885 Saloon” and ran amuck with them Harley Babes. Yep them were the Days... Come to think of it, that was the last time one of my predictions came true.

We beat Syracuse.. 

The way Groinman here has got it figured, I need to do one of two things, either ride my bike more often, or spend more time at Van’s with the Babes...

Tough call, but a guy needs to take a stand. Kinda’ like our President Mark Emmert. He made the call to save Willingham’s arse and give Turner the boot instead. A crafty call if ya’ ask me. But now Pres Emmert has another tough call. He has to replace this Turner feller with a more qualified and more respected candidate. A candidate with scruples, a candidate with class, a highly edumacated person with dignity, maturity, and what-not.

A man like you got it, Officer Lee Groinman, that’s right folks, I’m fillin’ out the job application as we speak. Shouldn’t take but a few more minutes. I just need to find that damn address to the Tubeless Graves building, I’ve got it here somewheres, then alls I need to do is tack on one of them fancy cover letters and that’s it, I’m in.

Oh sure, I know some of them upper campus slobs will want to go for some high-falootin’ out-of-state wack-job with no ties to anything Dawg. That’s what we did last time. See what we got?

Have you read some of the comments Turner has made? A real wise-arse once said that. “Once you find yourself in a hole...stop diggin’”

Seems Todd missed that lesson...

Oh sure, I know some of you fellers are thinkin’ that I’ve popped a cork. But ya’ know, ya’ only go around once in life, and what the heck.

Besides, I know something you guys don’t. I’ll let ya’ in on a little secret...

Groinman here went to High School with Emmert. That’s right, I got the goods on him. I’m not near as old of course...

That was back in day, the day of muscle cars and low gas prices, the Beatles, Stones, and Jimi Hendrix,,, By Dawg I can remember our High School parkin’ lot! That lot would be priceless today!

Hutch had his ’40 Ford with rumble seat, Sandy had his ’64 Malibu, damn thing only had a 283 in it, but there are still ruts in the road down in Fife where Sandy burned off a few sets of tires. Felix had his ’57 Chev, a screamer, Eastman had his ’66 GTO, the thing would be illegal today, Heidleberg had his ’56 Ford wagon with padded interior and orange shag carpet, it wasn’t fast, but we called it the Beer-Wagon, go figure. I had a red ’55 Chev pickup, but raced my Honda 350. I thought that bike was hot, did a nice wheely...

Now Emmert, he had a Plymouth Dart...

As it came to pass in those days. It was customary to burn your tires while leaving the school parkin’ lot after school or any other time. This would impress the female folk, don’t ya’ know...Now Emmert in his in-line 6 cylinder Plymouth, with “three-on-the-tree” transmission, just couldn’t pass muster. But that Emmert was one smart feller, even in his horn-rimmed glasses...

Emmert would loosen up the fan belt so it would sound like he was a screamin’ machine, and that thang smoked so much oil that he looked it too!!

And if this don’t beat all!!

The girls fell for it!!

Horn-rims and all!!

That Emmert, one smart feller...

But how I do digress. You want the “goods” on Emmert, Don’t cha’.

You see, I know a few things that you won’t find on any resume, some things here that you won’t find on any background check...

Some things here, that you wouldn’t tell your momma.. 

That’s right...

Ya’ see. I know who turned over Yamamoto’s out-house on Halloween...

I know who “painted” the field for homecoming...

I know who put the Ben Gay in Swendson’s jock...

I know about the stink bomb in the girls locker room...

I know who hung the Triple D bra on Miss Lindstrom’s ceiling fan, the fan that was just high enough over her desk to not be seen until the 3 o’clock bell...

Emmert, that was one of your bests man, hats off dude...

I know this and just a bit more...

Merry Christmas Emmert!

Or Dr. Emmert, Mr. Boss man!! I hear your needin’ a straight up Athletic Director!

Well here we go Mark ol’ buddy boy!! Why it’ll be just like ol’ times!!

I don’t suppose you need anymore help with findin’ a Triple D bra these days. Victoria’s Secret Christmas catalogue is already out...

Emmert didn’t know a bra from a bazooka in those days...

So there you have it Dawg fans!!

The search for your new AD is now OVER!!

So just keep on THEM COMMITS there TYRONE.

And lets sign ‘em up!

Say Tyrone, that was a nice job reeling in Polk yesterday! By Dawg I’d aliked to been the cockroach on Petie Carroll’s desk when he got that call!

Can’t ya’ just see it Ty!! I bet ol’ Petey darn near blew an arse-gasket!


Ya see Tyrone, Groinman here don’t mind giving credit where credit is due. You’re doing a helluva job for being so dad-burned lazy with the California kids...

Now here’s your commit list for this week Tyrone. And I want them THIS WEEK!!

1.Thompson. Why isn’t this a done DEAL!!

2.Carrol. He should’ve been in the boat YESTERDAY!!

3.Soloman. No time to WASTE!!

4.Ikehara. I want that Hawaiian pipeline flowin’ real good Mr. TYRONE!!


And Tyrone, you mind if I calls ya’ Tyrone? Good, now Tyrone you may feel free to substitute the names of DeCastro, or Guyton. Substitute at will...

“Excuse me Mr. Groinman, Mr. Don James is here to see you for your one on one meeting.”

“Why thank you Daisy, tell Don I’ll be just a minute.”

“That was Daisy McQueen, Tyrone, she’s my new secretary. I thought I’d dress up the place a bit there Tyrone, starting with a little eye-candy, makes the day go by a bit better, know what I mean?”

“Now put your ear-balls back in your sockets Tyrone...”

“Yes Sir Mr. Groinman!”

“Now where’s my VICTORY CIGARS??

Let’s go win us some games there next year Mr. Tyrone!!


Let’s get ‘er DONE!!


“Now Tyrone, tomorrow we’re doing lunch. Let’s give ol’ Emmert a call, huh Tyrone?

And uh,Tyrone? This is a working lunch. We’ll be discussin’ DEFENSE!! I’ve got a ten point plan, and I’d like some of your input, if ya’ know what I mean...”

“Yes Sir Mr. Groinman!”  “And uh,Tyrone?

It’s your turn to buy...”


Groinman’s tip of the week: Next weeks lunch topic with Tyrone will be Public Relations. Yes Sir we’re gonna be knowin’ all about Public Relations around here! Now where’ my matches? Anyone seen my matches?


Groinman can be reached at malamute@4malamute.com

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