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Cowboy Up

This is Officer Lee Groinman,

That’s right, Washington’s most irritated cop.

As you may know, I have the pleasure of working every Saturday and Sunday. Tuesdays and Wednesdays are my weekends.

Well, it just so happens that I’ve had this Saturday circled on the calendar for over a year now. No way in this Dawg’s green Earth was I gonna miss the orygun game, so I put in for official annual leave, one year and two days in advance. And while we’re at it, I’ll just take Thursday and Friday off as well. That way I’ll have the opportunity to go on a three-day donny-brook, complete with all the trimmings…Yeah, if you do the math, a three day annual leave plus your regularly scheduled weekend, gives you five days off! That’s nearly a hundred hours and not one of those hours spent in prison!

Oh the humanity…

So along about now I’m startin’ to feel pretty good about myself, in fact, I’m startin’ to feel a whole lot more like I do now than I did before…

It all started at ‘PaPa Murphy’s Pizza.” Well actually I ended up at PaPa Murphy’s Pizza after a trip to the Vet’s. For my dog Elsie, wise guy…

Ya’ see Elsie is battlin’ cancer, she lost her leg last summer and we’d been doing some chemo treatments. I started to get to thinkin’, and this is usually when the trouble starts, well, I was thinkin’ that maybe she was all better now and that it’d be a good idea to have another X-ray to see how her lungs were looking. After all, those chemo treatments were kickin’ her butt.

And ya’ gotta pay for the blood test too…

And now she has that nasty lookin’ lump where her leg used to be…

So the Vet takes a few X-rays of Elsie’s lungs and gives me a call at home.

“You know Lee, these X-rays don’t look too bad, but I really can’t tell for sure, and that lump on her stump, that’s just a hematoma Lee, a big bruise. She must have taken a fall on it.”

“Yup that’s it for sure Doc, why that Elsie is clumsy as an ox, even with four legs that girl could go ass over tea-kettle down the stairs…”

“Now Lee that’s fine, but these X-rays, I just can’t tell for sure.”

“So what you’re sayin’ is that you want me to come down and take a look for ya’ Doc?”

“No Lee, I suggest that we send them off to the radiology experts at WSU, it’ll cost you about 80 dollars, but we’d know for sure…”


“You mean that I’d be writin’ out a check to WSU?”

Oh the humanity…

Well I’m thinkin’, and this is usually when the trouble starts, well I’m thinkin’ that these X-rays was pretty good news! So I pack Elsie up into the truck and we head down to get us a large, make that a family size PaPa Murphy’s Pizza. We’re gonna celebrate tonight! And I’m on vacation! Don’t even have to go to prison! I’m gonna order a ‘Cowboy’ Pizza. Them cowboys always gives me the damndest dreams…

I put the ‘cowboy’ on my trucks console. Elsie smiles and her drool runs down onto the cloth seat, a rain starts to fall, and my truck fails to start.

She turns over, just won’t fire up.

I pop the hood, nothin’ obvious, is it rainin’ harder now? Damn, it sure do get darker earlier now. My flashlight is back home in my duty belt, figures. I’ve got another in the glove compartment!

Yup, dead batteries…

But hey, no worries! I’ve got towing on my insurance policy!

Forty-five minutes later we’re home, with one dead truck…

Well that’s what tomorrows are for, fixin’ dead trucks…

Elsie and me beat feet into the kitchen, even with three legs she can still move pretty good. She beat me on the stairs that lead into the kitchen, darn dog…

But we’ve got a pizza to cook and that dog is hungry! I turn the oven to preheat, grab a cold one from the fridge and turn on the TV. What the hell, I’m gonna watch the Arizona game, again.

And I did say ARIZONA! Ya’ know, the STOOPS kind of Arizona…

This is gonna be good!

BOOM, POP! The house goes dark, what was that lightning? I go to the fuse box down in the basement bunker. Five breakers had flipped. No biggee. I flipped them back on. I go back upstairs and the smoke detector goes off. I look at the oven and flames are comin’ up thru the stove top burners.

No biggee, the pizza was in the fridge…

So Fireman Lee, douses the flames and grabs a few more cold ones from the fridge. I grab my coat and the pizza and head over to the neighbors.

“Well hello Lee! I didn’t know PaPa Murphy’s delivered! And cold ones too! That’s going to be great for tips Groinman! I think you’ll do well!”

“Ya’ very funny, I’ll need to borrow your oven for about 17 minutes, mine’s on fire. Here drink this and shut up.”

Yeah, my oven blew up real good. They say things like this come in threes. My truck died, my oven burned, and now the phone is ringing. Some smart chick once would reply when her phone rang “What fresh hell is this?” She was probably right…

“Hey Lee! This is Arch. Listen, they just impounded my car! Yeah I missed a couple of payments, you know, I’ve been kinda’ low on funds lately. Say could you swing by and pick me up for the game? Gawd it’s gonna be great!”

“And Lee, I just might have a couple of bones to pay you tomorrow, but I gotta finish the laundry now, Later dude…”

Well, I did manage to get my ‘Cowboy’ pizza cooked and back into my own house, a little wet but not too bad, is it raining harder now? The dogs and me enjoyed watching the Arizona game again for the fifth time while the wife Gloria worked on the computer. She just can’t figure out how we can watch the ‘immaculate interception’ countless times with the same result. Women…

And as I said, those ‘Cowboy’ pizzas gives me the damndest dreams, while just last night I dreamt about a purple and gold bridge that went into Oregon. Go figure…

So now my oven is fried. No worries, I’m makin’ “Washington Dawg Breath Chili” for Saturdays game. This time with a twist, duck meat…

And for this chili… 

I DON’T need no stinkin’ OVENS!


Lee Groinman can be reached at malamute@4malamute.com

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