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Like Fire and Swamp Gas, BYU and Groinman
8 September 2010

This is Officer Lee Groinman, that’s right, Washington’s Most Semi-Disgusted Cop…

Let’s get one thing clear right off the bat. I really dislike BYU. More on that later…

Ya’ know, the older ya’ get, the harder it is to have something to look forward to, something to get excited about. Birthdays, Anniversaries, just another day, good Dawg almighty, it’s my Anniversary next week, thanks for remindin’ me folks. Got married on a bye don’t ya’ know…But this year, I was all jacked up, like a kid waitin’ for Christmas, counting down the days for that opener at BYU! Seems I might even make a road trip to PROVO!

But wait…the momentum is still building!

But dang it anyhow. Ya’ know we pull off a tremendous recruiting season, a productive winter conditioning period, a good spring training, more progress thru the summer sessions, more commits, a good fall camp, minus Deontae Cooper’s blown out knee, we’re flat out on a roll, or ridin’ the “Wave” as Coach Sark calls it.

Then comes the season opener, and out plops the egg. Frank Sinatra time again.

“Riding High in April,

Shot down in May…”

But it was only the fourth of September…

It’s been a long time since the end of last season, and the convincing 90’s style thrashing of Cal and Warshington State, we tend to forget some of the creative things these kids can come up with…

Well, for me, it damn near was worse. I was this close to actually being in Provo. As Maxwell Smart from the sixties TV show “Get Smart” would say, “Missed it by that much.” Turns out, ‘missed it by that much’ was the theme for the game…

We nearly pulled off the reunion to end all reunions in Provo. My old partner “Desk Sarge Deano” rang me up. I hadn’t seen him in years.

 “Lee, got two extra tickets to BYU, you up for it? Be like old times Lee, you can have those tickets for face value, plus the Lee surcharge.”

Not really such a bad deal, I have to admit…

I thought I’d look up my ol’ bookie, Timmy in Reno, why he’d take the other ticket for sure. Then Sarge Deano calls and says he only has one extra ticket. I call UW, they’d sent their unsold tickets back to BYU. I call BYU, no reply, email BYU, no reply.

I really dislike BYU…

I call my current Sarge to try to finagle the weekend off, he’s out of town for the next week, this thing just ain’t comin’ together. “Missed it by that much.”

I end up working the weekend but had a day shift, so I got to watch on TV.

After the game was over, I walked out to the back yard and puked…

The shortest verse in the Bible is “Jesus wept.” Well while Jesus may have only wept, Groinman puked. That one was disgusting.

I finally check my emails on Monday morning, only two of any importance, one from Desk Sarge Deano, one from Bookie Timmy. The two shortest emails ever.

Sarge Deano: “Disappointed is an understatement.”

Bookie Timmy: “That’ll be 55 bucks Groinman.”

Dang, Sarge Deano, the man of few words just got fewer. The 55 bucks is to cover the bet I made and lost. But hey it could be worse! I could be stuck somewhere in the Utah desert, broke down with no cooler…

Yup, I think we better blame this one on the schedule makers. We really needed a Portland State as an opener this year, at home. I don’t like playing games like Portland State, but this year we had too many young and inexperienced kids in tough spots, being at home against PSU may have just groomed them a bit. But they got their trial by fire.

I nearly wanted to grant two awards after the game to a couple of young kids, the “Dawg Horn” awards I call ‘em, not mentioning any names, I would have mentioned names on Saturday, but I’m now the more mature, distinguished, and forgivin’ Groinman.

But for how long?

Dang, I remember the early days, a loss like this would haunt me for a week. I wouldn’t answer the phone. I had all these friends who would only call after a tough Husky loss, now that I have no friends, it ain’t such a big deal. But anyway, I figure it’s a good thing to stay off the message boards and the like when you are completely insane, takes me about 72 hours now to recoup…

Did I mention the fact that I really dislike BYU? Yup, ya’ see I had this friend in high school, he was just a bit older than me but was in the class ahead of mine. We were nearly like twin brothers, but I kicked his arse in everything, team mates we were, and then he had this beautiful sister, dang, well anyway he ups and decides to go to BYU, and that’s the last I ever see of him, just like in BYU, no reply…

Then there was this other girl, beautiful female. I don’t want to say that she was Mormon or anything, that could be seen as profiling or somethin’. But she just may have gone to BYU too. She now lives in Utah. Well now, this is just between us guys ya’ see, ya’ know, just guys like us. Well, ya’ see, it was back in the War years ya’ know, and one night, the night was perfect you see, a cloudless, hot and steamy August night, it was out by the lake. There was a crescent moon, and the stars were bright. We had just returned from seeing the movie “Summer of ‘42”. Well now, let me make this clear, this is after we’d been datin’ for some time, why, this young woman, to be blunt, she done had her way with me she did, that’s right, she did have her way…

I felt like I was Burt Lancaster and my girl Laurie was Deborah Kerr in the classic 1953 movie “From Here To Eternity”. Only thing is, we weren’t in the surf on a sandy beach in Hawaii, we were in the dirt and the weeds at that lake, more like a swamp really, complete with the gas…

In the morning the newspapers read:


I call Laurie on the phone, to get her reaction, an awkward phone call given the events of the night before, and we still had rotary dial phones, and no 24 hour a day news channels, still had rabbit ears and eight tracks. As Archie and Edith Bunker would say “Those Were the Days!” So I complete the dial of the phone. The woman’s voice on the other end says: “Oh hi Lee, I’m sorry, Laurie is no longer here. She had to go back to Utah to live with her dad for awhile, she didn’t tell you?” I could hear the other girls laughing in the background…

I didn’t think I’d really ever really recover, or recoup from the event, it’s not like a football game loss where I’ve now gotten my recoup time down to 72 hours. No Sir, it just ain’t the same…

As for Laurie? Just like BYU, no reply…

Not really sure I can ever forgive that young gal for what she done…

Dang BYU women! Did I mention I really dislike BYU?

I’ll tell ya’ this, it won’t grind my beans if we never play BYU again. No Sir.

Dang, I hope my Maw, Maw Groinman ain’t readin’ this one. Just may give her that heart condition after all…

But ya’ gotta move on, ya’ just got no choice. Live and learn they say. I think I’ve learned never to bet on Husky games, maybe I’ve finally learned never to record away games. Seems I’ve got this God givin’ ability to jinx the bejebbers out of the UW. Maybe I’ll bet on the other guys, this week meaning Syracuse, and then jinx them, that way I still lose the bet, the Dawgs win the game, and then I go home and record the replay…

Could work…

So where’s the silver lining in this opening game, this opening of the season ‘swamp gas’ stinker?

Well we got the dang thing out of our system, we can learn from it, and for the first time in four freakin’ years I’ve sold my extra season ticket and will in fact be paid for it with cash money come Saturday! Just in time to call Bookie Timmy in Reno…

Dawgs and their money…Dawg dollars!

Things will return to normal this week. Normal?  Those stupid unforced screw-ups will be fixed, the Dawgs will find their feet again, Jake will settle down, and we’ll be 1-1, if not, there could well be more pukeage. Time to kick it up a notch Dawg Fans! As Sinatra says:

“Pick Yourself Up and Get

Back in the Race!

That’s Life!”

Now don’t this beat all. Groinman here has got the next two weekends OFF! That’s two mini FOOTBALL vacations in a ROW!

Life just don’t get any better than that folks! And who can be disgusted at THAT!

Yup, it just don’t get any better than this Dawg fans! Think I’ll do somethin’ kinda’ special for this our home opener. Maybe go pick up some big stinkin’ salmon steaks with some baked spuds with sour cream and salsa. Then throw those buggers on the grill for the tail gate, could be a good idea to brew up a big ol’ bucket of ‘Purple Dawg Drool’ just to wash it all down with!

Oh yeah, things are gettin’ better already!

I’m startin’ to feel a whole lot more like I do NOW than I did BEFORE!


Sucks to be Syracuse this week…

Grumblings: I suppose I should mention somethin’ about Brett Hundley. Now I wanted Hundley in purple and gold as much as the next guy, but Danny Shelton was always the third piece of the ‘trifecta’. You want to know somethin’ else? Hundley just never had that ‘Husky’ look about him. What’s the ‘Husky’ look you might ask? Hell I don’t know, but Hundley sure didn’t have it. Just ask Laurie…


Lee Groinman can be reached at malamute@4malamute.com

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