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SO YOU THOUGHT THE ASU GAME MADE YOU SICK:

This is Officer Lee Groinman, that’s right, Washington’s Most Stressed Cop.

I’m thinkin’ about buying me a telescope. I’ve seen them on the internet. You can get a pretty good setup for under 300 bucks, yeah you can dial in the moon, the planets, hikers on Mt Adams, women on boats and stuff. But mainly, I’d like to get me one of them sets so I can see how the planets are linin’ up to affect our Dawgs. Beat SC on the road one week, lay an egg against ASU at home the next week.

Yup, I think the wife Gloria just may like getting a telescope for Christmas…

“It’s something we can do together Glorious, gazin’ at the moon and stars on those dark and warm summer nights…”

I didn’t want to admit it, but I feared the ‘infamous’ letdown after the big SC win in the Coliseum.  This Husky team has many allergies, and I do believe that momentum leads the list.  It was the wettest day in recent memory at Husky Stadium, rained thru the entire tailgate hours, the game itself, and into the night.  Oh sure, it stopped raining at times during the actual game, but only when the Sun Devils had the ball…

Former logic would have it that ‘rain’ would favor the home Husky team, but no, those days are gone and in fact rain now has gone from former ally, to adversary. How has this happened?

We’ve gone from a power first, run first offense, to that fancy-pantsed ‘West Coast’, or the ‘Pro Style’ offense. Neither lives well in the rain, especially when ya’ factor in a quarterback with little touch and a 95 mile an hour fastball, with receivers who couldn’t catch a cold in the rain…

Well, I fear I’m being a little harsh here, seems some of them did happen to catch a cold or two.

But it just baffles my bean how the staff can draw up a brilliant game plan one week, and poop the bed the next. Would have made more sense just to keep the same game plan as we ran at SC, then just run it backwards, sideways, in reverse order, just to keep ‘em guessing. And if Jake was too sick to play, give Price a shot, at least a series or two. Or better yet, just go ahead and give Price the start. That would ‘start’ a buzz. ASU would never have thought of that.

Another thing that just baffles my bean. I had the game predicted perfectly, just had the teams inversed. I had said that the Dawgs would pull away in a tight game and win by 10 in the fourth…

I really do need that telescope…

So after the game had mercifully came to an end. Another ‘screwed the pooch’ ending and it appears that the rain is coming down even harder. My Starter coat is soaked. I was thankful that I had just bought these new pair of Caterpillar boots, and I had just waterproofed those buggers, I could now splash in the puddles with the best of them, just like in grad school, err, grade school.

It was ‘Band Day’ finally. We used to have ‘Band Day’ on the first game of the year in September, now it’s in the October rain. I don’t think anybody in the UW marketing dept. can even spell tradition, let alone maintain it. We used to have updates, scores shown on the Jumbo Tron, now we have kids eating deviled eggs, or corn on the cob eatin’ contests.

And it’s raining harder…

I’m heading back to the Jeep, walking out of the Stadium with all the marchin’ bands. I’m walkin’ along with the drum section. I always get stuck in the drum section… These kids are oblivious to anything but the girl in front of them. They probably don’t even know who won the game, let alone the score. But they’re having fun, drummin’ away and splashing in the puddles. The rain keeps coming. It’s surreal, like a remake of ‘Singing In The Rain’.

How dare these kids have fun after a loss? They should me just as miserable as me. Well with my new boots I can play the ‘splash’ game too. Soaked the little buggers good…

Back at the Jeep, I pull off my soaked coat and put on a dry one. I feel bad, sick bad, shivers, some shakes, a fever. I think this edition of ‘Husky Football’ has made me sick.

On the way home I start to itch, my shoulder has a stabbing pain, sometimes a dull throb. It did help to keep me awake I suppose, but this trip home took its toll, another night game…My eyes are heavy and I’m feelin’ even worse, my hair is starting to hurt. Not sure about this Husky stuff anymore, the toll is getting heavy, Dear Lord, how much further, not sure I’m gonna make it.

I pull into the small mountain town, before the country road to my place. The entire town is empty, but it’s 2:00 am, still it’s a Saturday night. Main St. is empty. A blinkin’ red stop light is makin’ time to nuthin’. The ‘Kountry Kook’ bar stands empty, ‘cept for a large screen TV that was left on. The TV is showin’ Rod Serling doin’ an old black and white ‘Twilight Zone’. But why is the screen left facin’ towards the empty street?

I pull away from the blinkin’ light. The radio comes on, funny, I’d turned it off earlier, too much static. It’s Ray Charles singin’ ‘Georgia on my Mind.’

I’ve nearly made it home now. I can no longer feel my feet. I want to stop so bad, pull over and walk, but there was the feeling that I had to get home. The Jeep that rides like a brick is now ridin’ smooth as a frogs butt. The Jeep seems to be driving itself. It’s like we’re all floating…

I pull into the road to my driveway at 2:35 in the am. I step out of the Jeep, my butt numb as stone. Before I make it into the garage I look up at the sky that had cleared up about twenty minutes ago. I think it was Mars, could have been Saturn, seemed they was winkin’ at me. Think I’m gonna buy me a telescope…

I don’t remember walking thru the garage, or opening the kitchen door, the last thing I remember was the clear sky and the planets…

They found me on the kitchen floor in the morning.

It was Bella, my female Malamute, I remember the wet black nose and the paw on my painful chest. I seem to be watchin’ this little drama unfold while I’m sitting on the kitchen stove, like I’m in some sorta dream state. Then it was the wife Gloria, she takes a knife out of the kitchen drawer and slices my shirt off to bare my chest, she pounds on my chest with little effect, she has these little paws for fists, she then tilts my head back and gives me a lip-lock.

“Holy Crapes Gloria! We ain’t kids anymore!”

“Lee! I thought you were dead!” She looks at my bare chest and screams:

LEE! You’ve got SHINGLES! Now I’M INFECTED!”

And that was my BEST HUSKY SHIRT! Dang you woman!”

Gloria calls to make an appointment with her associate Dr. Dennis ‘The Chainsaw’ McCullough. “Get him down here ASAP! I’ll meet you in the parking lot!”

In the parking lot Dr. Dennis ‘Chainsaw’ agrees with Gloria’s diagnosis: “Yup, that’s Shingles, don’t let him in here! I’ll put on a mask and we’ll draw some blood, get his blood pressure too. Don’t like that passing out on the kitchen floor act. We’ll just glove up first.”

‘Chainsaw’ now goes to work.

“So Lee, tell me, shingles is brought on by stress. You got any new stressors in your life?”

“Nope, just the same old stressors, Chainsaw, nuthin’ special.” “Where were you last night Lee?” “The Husky- Arizona State game.”

“Well then Lee, that just may explain it then, that Locker kid will drive you nuts, then what’s that kid’s name, the one who drops all the passes, Jermaine Curse?”

I start to laugh, ‘Jermaine Curse,’ but oh I have cursed…”That’s ‘Kearse’.”

“I’d say that’s it Lee, you’ve been too amped up for this team for years now, this year’s edition has just driven you over the edge. Now in the meantime Lee, you are a walking biological terrorist. I can give you some Valtrex to ease the symptoms and some Hydrocodene for the pain, maybe some Oxycodone?”

“I’m a ‘biological terrorist’ say it ain’t so Chainsaw.” “Yes Sir, for up to a week Lee, that’s why we’re in the parking lot, can’t have you infecting the whole area, no work Lee, stay home!”

So here I am at home, with my friends the narcotics. Turns out my potassium level was very low, that’s why I napped out on the kitchen floor. Funny, I had two bananas for breakfast the day of the game, probably the new non-traditional, UW type banana. The potassium free kind.

So it appears it’s true, there was a whole lotta’ sickness going around Husky Stadium last Saturday night…

But it’s getting late, time to heal up, gotta amp back up Dawg fans. As that old smart feller Thomas Paine once said: “These are the times that try men’s souls.” Yup that too…Paine also said: “The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph”. Wonder if the beavers will be any harder that the devils…

Oregon State it is. I always hate to use the word hate but I hate to play Oregon State. The wife Gloria, as I’ve said before is a Beaver. Back when life was normal and the Huskies would traditionally pound the beav, I would always make sure Gloria got ‘reminded’. Lately, Gloria’s been the one doing all the remindin’.

Grinds my beans too…

Due to me bein’ a ‘biological terrorist’ I may even be forced to stay home and watch this Beaver game on TV while Gloria is actually in the same house…Seems I’m infectious as long as I’ve got these leakin’ lesions. Damn!

But as is so often said today, it is what it is, and at the end of the day, it is what it is, but only if they can stay healthy…

And now I’ve got all this time on my hands, as I’ve been quarantined, so I’m ponderin’ the meaning of life, the importance of Husky football, just what the hell it is I’m doing here. And when will that last narcotic take effect? Will I still be a Husky fan once my lesions heal?

I’VE GOT NOWHERE ELSE TO GO!

And we, I, the team, Husky Nation, we really need to beat Oregon State. The time is now, the need overdue. Bring on the ‘A’ game, the ‘complete’ game, whatever. I’ll settle for any type of winning game. A game with tackling, tackling in space, accurate passes, good blocking, no drops, effective special teams. A Jake that’s not nailed down in the pocket.

Is that askin’ too much?

GO DAWGS!

GRUMBLINGS: Shingles is an outbreak of the Chicken Pox that you had when you were a kid. It’s the same virus that is still in your system. It gets in and travels thru your nerves with various effects. Yesterday I thought I had a broken shoulder. Today it feels like I’ve got a pumpkin growin’ out of my armpit. Did I tell ya’ how much I hate playin’ Oregon State? Shingles reactivates in some adults like it did me, but only the lucky ones…It feels like the flu with an attitude, like a nightmare on a budget, like last week’s ASU game, like the BYU debacle, but hey, it’s not as bad as Nebraska…Gloria says that having Shingles just goes to prove that you’re nuthin’ but a big baby…

 

Lee Groinman can be reached at malamute@4malamute.com

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