The Stage is Set;
Corrections Officer Lee Groinman, 2 December 2010
This is Officer Lee
and if this keeps up much longer, I just may be
Washington’s Most Elderly Cop…
That last Cal game nearly cost me a decade
or more, why it was nearly as bad as one of my previous trips to Cal,
but we’ll not talk about that right now.
I couldn’t make this year’s Cal game due to
circumstances out of my control, mainly my bank account. Ya’ see
I planned on banking all my winnings off the BYU game and with my return
on investment, why I’d just make that trip to Berkley. We all know how
that plan turned out…
My Bookie in Reno, Mr. Timmy, fat off his
Nevada, Reno win over Boise State actually called me direct. “Give it to
me straight Groinman, the Apple Cup, what gives, the Dawgs gonna cover?”
I started to think of one of those Cal games
we went to, the one where I flew down to Reno, met up with Mr. Timmy,
then we placed bets all over town, “Dawgs gonna cover?” “No sweat
Mr. Timmy, trust me.” Then we drove over Donner Pass…
Well sometimes things don’t go as
planned…Take Jake Locker for instance…
That one trip Mr. Timmy and I made to Cal
was the year of the great ‘Comeback Game’. October something, 1993. The
Dawgs were down 23-3 midway thru the third quarter. My Bookie, Mr. Timmy
not a happy camper. The game is out of control, it was the story of two
halves. Damon Huard called it his ‘Best and worst game all wrapped
up in one.’ I’ll say, he threw four interceptions and his
buddies coughed it up three more times for a total of seven
turnovers. The Dawgs look dead in the water. “We’re outta’ here Groinman!
Our bets are fried, need to get back to Reno, cover this somehow.” Well
Mr. Timmy was driving…
Cal is lining up for a 42 yard field goal.
This kick would seal the Dawgs loss. Their kicker is a guy by the name
of Brien, rhymes with fine, he never misses…Kick sails wide right! We
still have a shot. The Dawgs had scored a TD to make it 23-10, somewhat
respectable, still there was barely six minutes on the clock, the winner
of this game had the inside track to the Rose Bowl.
“Tell ya’ what Mr. Timmy, the next time the
Dawgs punt, we’ll leave, I’ll fill the tank.”
Well the Dawgs never punted again. A fourth
and nine on our own 25 yard line, holy crapes. Huard to Kralik for 10
yards and a HUSKY FIRST DOWN! Huard starts to click, and the
Huskies score quick, 23-17 Cal. Onsides kick time, no looking back now.
The ball bounces off a Bear, lands in the lap of Kralik. Football
Gods? Huard’s got hisself another fourth down. Who else? Huard to
Kralik for 10 yards and another HUSKY FIRST DOWN! The UW
methodically marches down the field to the Bear 7 yard line. Huard then
hits TE Mark Bruener at the 5 yard line and the bruiser takes it in for
the score. All that’s left is the PAT. Dawgs win by one 24-23 with
little more than a minute left on the clock. Win by one point, but the
point spread be four…
Mr. Timmy not happy.
To this day, I can’t leave a game early,
except of curse, this year’s Stanford game…
“So what’s it gonna be Groinman, the Dawgs
gonna cover in the Apple Cup?’
‘No problem Mr. Timmy, this one’s good as gold. Dawgs win
in double d’s, it’s gonna be solid. Trust me.”
Mr. Timmy has decided to place his trust in
Groinman, all bets are off…
Mr. Timmy sees a San Diego Holiday
with the missus…
Seems I also predicted a double d, or double
digit win last week against Cal. Good thing we had no conversations with
I didn’t get to make this year’s Cal trip,
so I thought I’d do the next best thing.
Watch the game from prison…
These inmates of mine, what a bunch of
smucks. I enter the TV room at just about kick-off time. These clowns
are watching ‘The Food Network’ They’re learnin’ how to
We got us a football game to watch!
Inmates these days, I know this is a scam.
They’d been acting squirrelly all week, so we strip searched them all.
Yup, both strip searches and cell searches, lookin’ at their junk and
goin’ thru their junk. Airports can’t have all the fun. Found no
contraband, but did miss kick-off, the smucks.
It’s time for my lunch break, I scheduled it
late on account of the game, always good to have lunch after body
cavity searches, but hey I got there just in time for Cal’s first half
ending 53 yard field goal. I’m thinkin’ this just might not be my day…
The clock on that damn field goal, it should
have expired, go back and look at the replay. The entire Cal drive for
the field goal, the Cal time keeper was a bit slow on the draw. Cal
probably had an additional three seconds total, I know, I’ve watched the
damn thing three times!
But the good ol’ boys in the Pac 10 officiating crew, you
know they wanted Cal to win, as did the boys in the home office, if
there was a close call, it was in Cal’s favor, and what about that
Mansion to Calvin catch? Holy CRAPES!
Cal gets a gift 3-pointer as time expires in the first
half. Well, it seems there’d be another score as time expired. As they
say, paybacks are hell…courtesy Chris Polk.
I feel especially good right now, knowing
that Larry Scott is not pleased…I just wonder if the Dawgs will get some
home cookin’ on the road this week as the Pac 10 needs us in the
Holiday Bowl. Just a thought…
My shift finally over, I beat feet on home.
I’m drivin’ my Chevy road racer, pushing 80 mph, but not quite. As we
all knew by now, this game was gonna come down to the end, another
overtime? The freaking radio station I was listening to would go on
these dawg-awful long commercial breaks, seems some Einstein was asleep
in the radio control room, entire Dawg three and out series were wiped
out by commercials for;
‘Real Men of Genius…’
Einsteins, probably a former inmate of mine,
Finally home, I rip into my driveway as Polk
rams over for the winnin’ touchdown.
Yeah, I knew this wasn’t gonna be my day.
But hey, I had it recorded…
So here it is, two down with one to go, the
cougs. The Apple Cup. Of course the cougs will base their
entire season on this one game, as they should. It’s all they’ve got
this year except for a close win over Montana State and another
over a very flat Oregon State team. I still can’t figure that Coug-Beaver
game, and my wife’s a beav…I’ve also got my Aunt Bertha, she’s a dang
coug. She has her Christmas card out for me already. If the cougs win
the Apple Cup she’ll send me the Christmas card with;
GO COUGARS!! Written all over it. The cougs
lose, I get no card.
Nope, no card from Auntie Bertha this year,
Of course, she’s the typical coug who has
never even been to a game, the only time she knows who they’re playing
is of course, now, the Apple Cup. I doubt see even knows Wulffie’s name.
Oh yeah, then of course I got all my coug
buddies, they’ve all got my phone number set on speed dial, the kind
of buddies you only hear from after the rare coug win…just waitin’
to console me. The smucks, the stinkin’ buggers…
Now there is nuthin’ more than any
gray-blooded cougar would want than to spoil our party, keep the Dawgs
out of our Bowl. Nuthin’ more, they live for this moment, and they’ve
done it before. More than once. I’ve said for weeks to beware of cougs.
They’d probably be showin’ Chuck Nelson’s missed field goal on
their big screen, like the ducks do, if only the cougs had a big screen…
Cougs still workin’ on the porta-potties…
But I can still taste the times when those
buggers spoiled the party, that night in Spokane with the MG Roadster…Holy
Yup, this team is now becoming known for their winning
‘drives’ and last second heroics. Two winning drives now against USC,
this one against Cal, the Oregon State last second win. Cardiac
Kids if you ask me. As a former coach once said. “SCOREBOARD
BABY!” It’s like this team thrives on crunch time. Let’s not go
there this week fellas! Get ‘er done, early
I know I’ve been hard on this team from time
to time, but hey, they came up with yet another drive to win, the
drive to win, to stay in the hunt for a Bowl Game. Jermaine Curse,
err Kearse, all is forgiven…Yeah, this bunch may not be known as what
they call ‘fast-starters’, as you’ve gotta kind of ride these kids a
bit, from time to time, just to get them to respond, but then they do,
and then they get ‘er done. Sometimes you just need the
I’ve known more than a few inmates with
these same type qualities…
But we’re not going there this week. No Sir.
This week is the reason for Jake’s return. The reason for this Bowl
Season, it’s all about this Saturday, and we wouldn’t want it any other
Nope, there’s no way the cougs win the Apple Cup. NO
STINKIN’WAY! If there’s a Football God in Heaven there is no way the
cougs win. Hell itself would have to frost over, the planets all be
lined up. Ain’t gonna happen. Forget about it…
The three week march that started with Ucla, went thru
Cal, ends now in Pullman. FINISH!
Dawgs win in DOUBLE D’S!
I’m a Doctor…
how about those Cal fans? A Bowl game on the line.
Possibly the Holiday. The last game in Memorial Stadium, the only
stadium they’ve ever known. The last chance to ‘be there’ as you’ve
known it, a chance to say good bye. Forty four thousand
fans show up, a third of them purple clad Huskies. Go figure…and
Meanwhile, over on the message boards;
nobody has ragged on Nick Holt lately, you notice?
Well now, here’s some happy camper
grumblings for ya. Seems two of our featured Dawgs have found
their homes, yup! Both Indy and Denali have been adopted!
Still hoping that somebody will take in Lady Nila. Here’s a hint, female
Malamutes make awesome pets.
So here’s our featured Malamute of the Week;
is the classic black and white Malamute, a striking young fella’. Swift
was found as a stray cruising thru downtown Spokane. Probably stalkin’
cougs… Very nice dawg, likes other canines and exercise. Will help you
walk off those extra Holiday pounds. Swift may not cut it as your
standard Christmas ‘stocking stuffer’ but won’t your wife be surprised
when she sees this fella’ sittin’ in the garage! Swift is now at the
Holiday Kennel in Kent, WA. You can see Swift and his pals at
Ready for adoption NOW!