This is Officer Lee Groinman. That’s right,
Washington’s Most Geared Up Cop…
Geared up is right. Washington is now 2-0 on the
season with the Idaho State Sand Baggers on tap…
So what’s not to like here? Well we had a dynamo of
a home opener against those Boise State Bronco’s, then a bye, followed by a road
trip to Chicago’s Soldier Field, and now the feared Idaho State Spud Chucker’s
come to town.
Seems like a month since we played a game, and now
the Idaho State Hornet Sprayers come to town.
That’s right folks, time to gear it back up a notch…
Ya’ know, I really gotta tell ya’ this folks.
Groinman here really fears for the future of this country of ours. I mean aren’t
the biggest and brightest brains in the country employed in the entertainment
industry? Particularly those beans behind the 1-800 numbers at the satellite TV
It’s Friday afternoon, just home from work when I
figure I better pony up and order that Illinois game on the tube. Not sure what
is worse, root canal or going thru the telephone prompts of an 800 number. Ya’
just can’t get to that “Talk to a live person now” feature, oh no, can’t do
that, not until the cows come home anyway. Then you finally nab onto a live one
and they ask you the secret password question. Something like what is the Prime
Minister of India mother’s maiden name…Then they tell you that India doesn’t
have a Prime Minister…
So I finally get that Illinois game ordered up, and
it wasn’t nearly as bad as I had hoped.
Eleven bucks, but you can’t cancel for 30 days or
they ding you for another Lincoln spot, makes sense. They figure by after about
30 days that I’ll be off on some other tangent and be all done with all this,
then they ding ya’ for another eleven bucks and the cycle just repeats itself.
And this here folks is what made America great.
So I’m all set, the game is ordered, channel 439,
three pm Pacific Coast time. All confirmed by Raul…
So I knew going in that I would probably miss most
of the first quarter as I’m not allowed to leave the house of pain until three
in the afternoon, exactly at kick-off time. Nope, no omens here folks, just pure
coincidence. But I already told ya’ that there no such thing as any coincidence.
And you can just bet that I didn’t dig up this pearl of wisdom from any internet
genius, expert genius or otherwise…
It’s hot as Georgia asphalt and I hit my driveway at a good 45
mph. It’s only 3:18 pm, made good time. I knew there were a few cold ones in the
fridge just waiting for me. Some tall Millers and a
“Hey how’d this
Pabst get in here??” I yells to the TV…
The TV? Channel 439 right? Right. Channel 439 is
showing me Penn State vs. the Slippery Rock Penguins!
I’m getting on the computer to the message boards
while dialing up the DISH Network, on the speed dial… Multi-taskin’ at its
I’m going thru the laundry list of telephone prompts
on the 800 number while scanning the message boards. By the looks of the message
boards the Dawgs are down by about 17, shortly after kick-off. Seven-teen,
there’s that number again…
“Good evening Sir, my name is Abdul, how may I be of
service to you this day?”
“Listen Bub, I need to yak at Raul, he told me the
Washington/Illinois game would be on channel 439. I’m havin’ some issues with
“Washington and Illinois would be on the Big Ten
Network. That would be channel 439. Channel 439 would be channel that work for
“Look Buster, channel 439 is not the one that works
for me. I need to know what channel the Washington vs. Illinois game is on and I
need it twenty minutes ago! Do I need your supervisor?”
“Hello good sir, yes I am Hiroyoki, supervisor. Can
you tell me Governor of Sir Lanka?”
Well it turns out the UW Illinois game was on
channel 5414, I mean they were close, I’ll give them that, and you thought the
Big Ten couldn’t count…
Now I’ve had a few stinkers of a pre-game function before, but I
do believe that this one was a first, the first that included a 1-800 number.
Now don’t go there, just DON’T DO IT!
Game on, WHITE PANTS! I didn’t miss all that much,
Dawgs up by a TD early. And I thought we were losing? More internet genius…
Washington was clearly the more talented team,
clearly the dumber team too.
Stupid penalties and sloppy turnovers stunk up an
otherwise stellar performance. Bishop Sankey stole the show while Keith Price
kept it in gear. A 10 point victory on the road against a Big Ten team, but
there could have been more. One more TD and we’re at that 17 point margin again.
But noooo. This team has got to get its head screwed on right, clean it up and
smarten up. Someday soon, you’re really gonna need it…
But hey, another thing! These Dawgs have gone where
no other Dawg team has gone before. They got a win wearin’ white pants and
helmet, with a white jersey, while in the Central time zone. Now you baseball
junkies can go check it out, but you’ll see, we had a first there on Saturday
night in Chicago. That Sark, he just maybe onto somethin’…
And Deontae Cooper managed to not score a TD. Yup,
did not. Deontae needs to score his first TD in the DAWG HOUSE! This Saturday
against the Idaho State Buckaroos. That alone would be worth the price of
Admission…plus Bishop Sankey could break Corey Dillion’s single game rushing
record set against San Diego State back in ’96, what a riot that was…Sankey
would be the national rushing leader for sure..
This game should be over by half-time, a good chance
to see some back-ups in action. But wait! Idaho State could throw their entire
kitchen sink at these Dawgs, while the Dawgs go purely vanilla. Should be a fun
one to watch.
Now really, do we really need to boo the Idaho State team as they
take the field?? I can see Oregon or SC, but the Idaho State Jack Rabbits?
Now get a load of this. After that Illinois game I
just managed to have enough time to catch that multi-class Fife High School
reunion, down at Tacoma’s Emerald Queen Casino.
All the usuals there. Some I hadn’t seen for years.
What a night on tap here folks!
Now Mark Emmert had shown up in his chauffeured
The hair on my neck and the lip’s on my face seem to
tighten up. One more chance to educate Mark Emmert, the former Louisiana
State University, and University of Washington’s President. Not to mention the
current President of the NCAA.
I was just about ready to take ol’ Emmert out to the
dock of Tacoma’s Commencement bay and try out the latest water-boarding
technique, that’s when I saw her…
Penny Pearl, the High School dream girl of mine, now
look at her folks, talkin’ to Fast Freddie…Seems he’s now become Fat Freddie.
Fat Freddie with his fat wallet…
Penny Pearl, the prettiest girl in the whole school.
She never knew it, but Groinman had a huge crush on her back in the school days,
was even gonna ask her out to the Senior Prom. Well Penny never knew about that
prom stuff, and I never even asked her to the Prom, musta’ been somethin’ goin’
on, probably a Track meet, yeah a Track meet or somethin’. But there it was,
Penny never even knew. Trust me…
Women can be peculiar creatures, as most fellers
like us already know all too well.
Ya’ know, guys like us, tend to give those
women-folk way too much credit for the women’s intuition stuff and all that bull
Don’t cha’ just love High School Reunions? Groinman
is gonna be busy…
Emmert spies me, I return the glare, pupils turning
red, Emmert looks nervous, I smirk back at him, he shuffles his feet and looks
back towards nobody in particular…
I move in towards Emmert’s circle of admirer’s, just wanted to
Emmert excuses himself and heads towards the men’s
room. The only thing I can think of is that Emmert wouldn’t think I’d follow,
what with all the security cameras and all…
Emmert should now all about pay-offs and all…And who
has moved on to Indianapolis and who is still the local boy??
Emmert is now trapped in the men’s room, I enter
while the door behind me is held shut by a chair, thanks Darrel…
Emmert, standing above the urinal, glances at his ol’
“Emmert! What’s an old Trojan like you doin’ crashin’ our
reunion, this one’s for the younger folk. Why I oughta’ drop you right here
in the here and now!”
“Look Lee, it’s time to bury the hatchet! I know she
was your sister, but for cripes sake it was High School! You just can’t beat me
at your will anymore!” We we’re just kids Lee!”
“Look Officer Groinman, I am the
President of the NCAA!!”
“I’ll have your BADGE!!”
“Badge?” I don’t see no badge? I’m not wearin’ no stupid
“I don’t need no stinkin’ BADGES!!”
“Look Lee, what do you need, just leave me alone,
“Your wallet. In it is a NCAA credit card. Let the
barkeep have it, then make a little announcement.
“Excuse me folks! Here is Mark Emmert with an
“From now on Fife alums, it’s an OPEN BAR!!”
Fife folk just love open bars…
“One more thing Emmert.” “What’s that Lee?”
“Send your credit card bill to Eugene Oregon,
they’ll understand, it’s just normal for them. Now let’s have another round!”
“You got it Lee!”
That Emmert, maybe he’s matured just a bit…what a
I walked outside, just to clear my head, calm down a
Van Morrison’s “Brown Eyed Girl” is
playing somewhere in the distance, Mt. Rainier is a bluish black shadow, the
moon has laid down a beam right across Tacoma’s Commencement Bay…
Beneath a parkin’ lot street lamp was a silhouette,
one I knew all too well, that same moon beam was shinin’ thru her golden hair. I
could see her walk, a walk I knew all too well. Bob Seager might call it ‘Her
strut’. I’m only a few steps away now…
“Why hello Miss Penny Pearl, you’re still as pretty
as that brand new penny, I suppose some things just won’t change huh? So what
are you doing out here, too hot inside?”
“Yes, I suppose so Mr. Lee, I suppose I’m just
wondering what that Senior Prom might have been like. Ever think about things
like that Lee?”
“What say you Mr. Lee?”