This is Officer Lee Groinman. That’s right, Washington’s Most Geared Up Cop…

Geared up is right. Washington is now 2-0 on the season with the Idaho State Sand Baggers on tap…

So what’s not to like here? Well we had a dynamo of a home opener against those Boise State Bronco’s, then a bye, followed by a road trip to Chicago’s Soldier Field, and now the feared Idaho State Spud Chucker’s come to town.

Seems like a month since we played a game, and now the Idaho State Hornet Sprayers come to town.

That’s right folks, time to gear it back up a notch…

Ya’ know, I really gotta tell ya’ this folks. Groinman here really fears for the future of this country of ours. I mean aren’t the biggest and brightest brains in the country employed in the entertainment industry? Particularly those beans behind the 1-800 numbers at the satellite TV companies?

It’s Friday afternoon, just home from work when I figure I better pony up and order that Illinois game on the tube. Not sure what is worse, root canal or going thru the telephone prompts of an 800 number. Ya’ just can’t get to that “Talk to a live person now” feature, oh no, can’t do that, not until the cows come home anyway. Then you finally nab onto a live one and they ask you the secret password question. Something like what is the Prime Minister of India mother’s maiden name…Then they tell you that India doesn’t have a Prime Minister…

So I finally get that Illinois game ordered up, and it wasn’t nearly as bad as I had hoped.

Eleven bucks, but you can’t cancel for 30 days or they ding you for another Lincoln spot, makes sense. They figure by after about 30 days that I’ll be off on some other tangent and be all done with all this, then they ding ya’ for another eleven bucks and the cycle just repeats itself.

And this here folks is what made America great.

So I’m all set, the game is ordered, channel 439, three pm Pacific Coast time. All confirmed by Raul…

So I knew going in that I would probably miss most of the first quarter as I’m not allowed to leave the house of pain until three in the afternoon, exactly at kick-off time. Nope, no omens here folks, just pure coincidence. But I already told ya’ that there no such thing as any coincidence. And you can just bet that I didn’t dig up this pearl of wisdom from any internet genius, expert genius or otherwise…

It’s hot as Georgia asphalt and I hit my driveway at a good 45 mph. It’s only 3:18 pm, made good time. I knew there were a few cold ones in the fridge just waiting for me. Some tall Millers and a Pabst?

“Hey how’d this Pabst get in here??” I yells to the TV…

The TV? Channel 439 right? Right. Channel 439 is showing me Penn State vs. the Slippery Rock Penguins!

“Raul!!”

I’m getting on the computer to the message boards while dialing up the DISH Network, on the speed dial… Multi-taskin’ at its finest folks…

I’m going thru the laundry list of telephone prompts on the 800 number while scanning the message boards. By the looks of the message boards the Dawgs are down by about 17, shortly after kick-off. Seven-teen, there’s that number again…

“Good evening Sir, my name is Abdul, how may I be of service to you this day?”

“Listen Bub, I need to yak at Raul, he told me the Washington/Illinois game would be on channel 439. I’m havin’ some issues with that…”

“Washington and Illinois would be on the Big Ten Network. That would be channel 439. Channel 439 would be channel that work for you.”

“Look Buster, channel 439 is not the one that works for me. I need to know what channel the Washington vs. Illinois game is on and I need it twenty minutes ago! Do I need your supervisor?”

“Hello good sir, yes I am Hiroyoki, supervisor. Can you tell me Governor of Sir Lanka?”

Well it turns out the UW Illinois game was on channel 5414, I mean they were close, I’ll give them that, and you thought the Big Ten couldn’t count…

Now I’ve had a few stinkers of a pre-game function before, but I do believe that this one was a first, the first that included a 1-800 number. Now don’t go there, just DON’T DO IT!

Game on, WHITE PANTS! I didn’t miss all that much, Dawgs up by a TD early. And I thought we were losing? More internet genius…

Washington was clearly the more talented team, clearly the dumber team too.

Stupid penalties and sloppy turnovers stunk up an otherwise stellar performance. Bishop Sankey stole the show while Keith Price kept it in gear. A 10 point victory on the road against a Big Ten team, but there could have been more. One more TD and we’re at that 17 point margin again. But noooo. This team has got to get its head screwed on right, clean it up and smarten up. Someday soon, you’re really gonna need it…

But hey, another thing! These Dawgs have gone where no other Dawg team has gone before. They got a win wearin’ white pants and helmet, with a white jersey, while in the Central time zone. Now you baseball junkies can go check it out, but you’ll see, we had a first there on Saturday night in Chicago. That Sark, he just maybe onto somethin’…

And Deontae Cooper managed to not score a TD. Yup, did not. Deontae needs to score his first TD in the DAWG HOUSE! This Saturday against the Idaho State Buckaroos. That alone would be worth the price of Admission…plus Bishop Sankey could break Corey Dillion’s single game rushing record set against San Diego State back in ’96, what a riot that was…Sankey would be the national rushing leader for sure..

This game should be over by half-time, a good chance to see some back-ups in action. But wait! Idaho State could throw their entire kitchen sink at these Dawgs, while the Dawgs go purely vanilla. Should be a fun one to watch.

GO DAWGS!

GRUMBLINGS: Now really, do we really need to boo the Idaho State team as they take the field?? I can see Oregon or SC, but the Idaho State Jack Rabbits?

Now get a load of this. After that Illinois game I just managed to have enough time to catch that multi-class Fife High School reunion, down at Tacoma’s Emerald Queen Casino.

All the usuals there. Some I hadn’t seen for years. What a night on tap here folks!

Now Mark Emmert had shown up in his chauffeured ride.

Photo: Mark Emmert

The hair on my neck and the lip’s on my face seem to tighten up. One more chance to educate Mark Emmert, the former Louisiana State University, and University of Washington’s President. Not to mention the current President of the NCAA.

I was just about ready to take ol’ Emmert out to the dock of Tacoma’s Commencement bay and try out the latest water-boarding technique, that’s when I saw her…

Penny Pearl, the High School dream girl of mine, now look at her folks, talkin’ to Fast Freddie…Seems he’s now become Fat Freddie. Fat Freddie with his fat wallet…

Penny Pearl, the prettiest girl in the whole school. She never knew it, but Groinman had a huge crush on her back in the school days, was even gonna ask her out to the Senior Prom. Well Penny never knew about that prom stuff, and I never even asked her to the Prom, musta’ been somethin’ goin’ on, probably a Track meet, yeah a Track meet or somethin’. But there it was, Penny never even knew. Trust me…

Women can be peculiar creatures, as most fellers like us already know all too well.

Ya’ know, guys like us, tend to give those women-folk way too much credit for the women’s intuition stuff and all that bull roar…

Don’t cha’ just love High School Reunions? Groinman is gonna be busy…

Emmert spies me, I return the glare, pupils turning red, Emmert looks nervous, I smirk back at him, he shuffles his feet and looks back towards nobody in particular…

I move in towards Emmert’s circle of admirer’s, just wanted to say hello…

Emmert excuses himself and heads towards the men’s room. The only thing I can think of is that Emmert wouldn’t think I’d follow, what with all the security cameras and all…

Emmert should now all about pay-offs and all…And who has moved on to Indianapolis and who is still the local boy??

Emmert is now trapped in the men’s room, I enter while the door behind me is held shut by a chair, thanks Darrel…

Emmert, standing above the urinal, glances at his ol’ nemeses, me…

“Emmert! What’s an old Trojan like you doin’ crashin’ our reunion, this one’s for the younger folk. Why I oughta’ drop you right here in the here and now!”

“Look Lee, it’s time to bury the hatchet! I know she was your sister, but for cripes sake it was High School! You just can’t beat me at your will anymore!” We we’re just kids Lee!”

“Look Officer Groinman, I am the President of the NCAA!!”

“I’ll have your BADGE!!”

“Badge?” I don’t see no badge? I’m not wearin’ no stupid BADGE!!”

“I don’t need no stinkin’ BADGES!!”

“Look Lee, what do you need, just leave me alone, enough already.”

“Your wallet. In it is a NCAA credit card. Let the barkeep have it, then make a little announcement.

“Excuse me folks! Here is Mark Emmert with an important announcement!”

“From now on Fife alums, it’s an OPEN BAR!!”

Mass bedlam…

Fife folk just love open bars…

“One more thing Emmert.” “What’s that Lee?”

“Send your credit card bill to Eugene Oregon, they’ll understand, it’s just normal for them. Now let’s have another round!”

“You got it Lee!”

That Emmert, maybe he’s matured just a bit…what a guy!

I walked outside, just to clear my head, calm down a bit.

Van Morrison’s “Brown Eyed Girl” is playing somewhere in the distance, Mt. Rainier is a bluish black shadow, the moon has laid down a beam right across Tacoma’s Commencement Bay…

Beneath a parkin’ lot street lamp was a silhouette, one I knew all too well, that same moon beam was shinin’ thru her golden hair. I could see her walk, a walk I knew all too well. Bob Seager might call it ‘Her strut’. I’m only a few steps away now…

“Why hello Miss Penny Pearl, you’re still as pretty as that brand new penny, I suppose some things just won’t change huh? So what are you doing out here, too hot inside?”

“Yes, I suppose so Mr. Lee, I suppose I’m just wondering what that Senior Prom might have been like. Ever think about things like that Lee?”

“What say you Mr. Lee?”

Go Dawgs…

 

 

Lee Groinman can be reached at malamute@4malamute.com

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