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This Is Officer Lee Groinman…That’s Right...Feelin’ My Purple…

 

Purple Hair, Purple Haze…Purple Daze…

The date was September 30th 2016. Seattle Washington, a warm Friday evening at UW’s Husky Stadium. The UW Huskies would be facing the Stanford Cardinal in a few hours. This game had been circled ever since the UW’s spring game. Now Stanford had been the ‘reigning bully of the Pac-12 North’ for what seemed to be far too long. On this date, September 30th, we would be seeing a changing of the guard.

With a few hours to kill, I stepped into the quaint ‘Pub Mountlake’. Now I always have a few hours to kill before a game, and this place is the place to do it, what with the parking and traffic issues of Seattle…

 

I’d seen her before, the Rutgers, Idaho, and Portland State games. Her name is Megan, Megan the Green-Haired Barmaid. She still hadn’t changed, she still wore the green hair. I think she wears it just to spite me…

Our last conversation had gone something like this;

“Now Meg, if ya’ don’t do something about that green hair we just might have to take corrective measures…Green hair just won’t do in a Husky bar, we need some purple up there..”

Now Meg had been raised up in Alabama, in fact she had spent most of her first 120 years in Alabama, her formative years if you will…so she’s got a little drawl to her…

“So what y’all gonna do Mista’? Have the Big Boss man fire me?”

“No Meg; that would be too easy…I was thinkin’ we should maybe deport you down south of the border…”

“Deport little ol’ me down to Mexico!! Why for heaven’s sake!!”

“Nah, not Mexico Meg, that would take more than one tank of gas, well wait, the Rose Bowl is still a possibility…But no, I was thinkin’ Oregon would be a better option for you with that green on your noggin’…”

“Why sure Mista’, just deport me down south of the Oregon border to Eugene so I can go live with the Ducks…You a very mean man Mista’ Lee!! What y’all gonna do? Build up a wall to keep me in?”

“Naw, not a wall Meg, maybe a fence, a white picket fence, one with a gate in it, say like up near the Dalles. That way you can crawl back thru that gate and swim back across the Columbia River…yup, a fence…and we’ll make Oregon pay for it too…”

“Mercy sakes Mista’ Lee! That big ol’ river would just be a spell cold by now! You a meanie!”

“I’ll tell ya’ what Mista’ Lee…if I dye my hair purple, I’ll paint YOUR goatee purple! And I’ll do right here on the bar, take pics too, put ‘em on facebook…that’ll fix your wagon, and you can just file away your deportation papers right where the sun don’t shine!!”

We shook on it, a deal was a deal…the bar exploded in applause and laughs…

And so it went, throughout the long football season...after the away game blowout win in Oregon, we got back in the grove…

October 22nd, the Oregon State game. I walk into the Pub Mountlake and take one last look at my gray goatee, knowing that when I walk out of this place, it would be a dark purple, nothing light colored, Meg wouldn’t go off half-assed, dark purple it would be…there she is now, behind the bar…

“Holey Smokes MEG!! What the heck did you do to your hair!!”

“I bet you talk to all the ladies like that Mista’ Lee…do you know how hard it is to get green out of your hair and change it to purple??”

“Why, why no Meg, I really can’t say that I do…but how’d ya’ get it to go from green to dirty dish-water brown?”

I’m not exactly sure, but I don’t think Meg liked my compliment…just a hunch…women…

No purple hair...I was off the hook…for today…

Two more away games, first up, the narrow over-time win against Utah, then another blowout win against Cal in Bezerkley…

November 12th saw me another year older and the SC Trojans in town. We had changed the plans, we would not go into the Pub Mountlake but go tailgate with some old friends in the E-1 parking lot…So even though I walked past the Pub Mountlake coming and going, I walked by the Pub not once, but twice, but I didn’t go in. I didn’t see Meg that game. I wondered if she had gotten her hair to go purple…I never found my old buds in the E-1 parking lot either, never got my goat painted…all things went wrong. No wonder we lost this game…It’s on me folks….

A week later, November 19th. Arizona State is in town, a team we hadn’t beaten in a decade, doesn’t seem possible, they’ve had our number I suppose…No more screwin’ around, it’s time to get back to bidness. No more tailgating in E-1…It’s back to the Pub Mountlake…

There’s Meg now, she at the cash register…I can she her from behind…She’s wearing beautiful PURPLE HAIR!! She hasn’t seen me yet…I can still hit the street…No wait, a deal is a deal, if I chicken out it will be a bad omen, we might lose this game…I can’t be blamed for two losses in the same season…I would need to take my own medicine, I’d have to go get my goat painted…at the bar…

“Well hello Mista’ Lee! Do you like my hair?”

“Oh Meg, it’s gorgeous, absolutely beautiful, that tone, it sets off and kinda’ blends with your eyes and has the same effect on your cheeks, and the lipstick…just stunning…”

“Oh Mista’ Lee, why you certainly know how to talk to the ladies now!! What’d you do, break down and buy a book or somethin’? And say, I didn’t see you last week for the SC game! Ya’ know, that loss is all your fault Mista’ Lee, everyone blames you!!”

“Oh and don’t I know it Meg…but did ya’ miss me last week?”

“Oh honey pumpkin…I most surely thought I was gonna die!!”

Honey pumpkin? Oh that’s right, I’m doing the pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving, at my sister’s. Ya’ [SS1] see how this world works? And then I gotta get home to make my ‘Dawg Breath Chili’ and watch the Apple Cup on TV in Pullmania….no road trip this time…

“Now don’t you worry none Mista’ Lee…Why surely you remember me tellin’ y’all about how difficult it is to change your hair from green to purple?”

“Why yes ma’am, I surely do remember…”

“Well as it turns out Mista’ Lee, can I just finally call ya’ Lee? Well I’m plumb out of purple dye from all the fuss…but don’t you worry yourself none Lee, why I’ve got more dye, a special order coming in just for you and yourself. It’s a slightly darker shade than what you see on me, but not to worry Lee, you’ll get your money’s worth….It’ll be a real bargain…I’ll just do you up real good when you come back over here on Friday for the Apple Cup. We open at ten am…”

Yup, it’s gonna be a real epic Apple Cup in Pullmania this year…a good TV game, the North Championship on the line, A big ol’ batch of ‘Washington Dawg Breath Chili’ on the stove. Can ya’ beat that?

So ya’ see how I escaped Meg’s purple paint one more time?

Scheduling and timing folks, that’s right, scheduling and timing…

Sorry Meg…girls…

Happy Thanksgiving Dawgs!!

Here’s to beatin’ the Falk out of ‘em!!

GO DAWGS!!

 

 

Lee Groinman can be reached at malamute@4malamute.com

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